Friday, September 7, 2012

Woody's Guide to Dating

I know I haven't posted in a while...story of my life. But I've had a lot going on! So please forgive me, pumpkin =)

On to more pressing matters concerning my ladies who are deep in the dating scene and drowning in losers. Trust me, I've dated all types of losers and have found a mostly fool proof way to limit the time you waste on total tools. I call this post, "Woody's Guide to Dating."



First Date:
What you do on the first date is super important. Think about it. Do you really wanna be stuck waiting for your entree to come when you know after your first sip of water that homeboy is not your steelo? My time is precious, bitches. And if I can say one thing about a first date choice, it would be liquid. Always choose to meet for a drink or for a cup of coffee. That way, you can have one drink or one cup of coffee and have a totally legit reason for bouncing up outta there if Romeo's a total Daryl. You following me? Don't commit more time than needed. After reading this post, you will have all the tools you need to spot a douche in the limited time it takes to down a cocktail or a cup of joe.



Dress Code:
Yes ladies...DRESS CODE!! Very important! This can make or break a first date. The first impression he makes on you is uber important, but we'll get to that later. Right now we're focused on you. What you wear could make or break a potential love connection. You obviously want to look good, but you don't want to look like KE$HA either. That's why I've set perameters. I call it the cleave or stems approach to dressing. For those of you who know me, y'all know I am not afraid to show some leg. My legs are my best asset! Why the hell not? But on a date, if you want to show off your foxy gams, cover up the tatas, lovey. Leave a lil' something to the imagination. If you're feeling a sexy mini, rock a crew neck top that hides the girls. If you wanna give him a peek of the twin peeks, throw on some cute jeans or conservative length skirt. Nothing screams, "I'M A SURE THING!" like a hoochie mama, let it all hang out get up. Trust me gals. You'll thank me later.




What His Style Says About Him:
Now please keep in mind that we all have different taste. If you're a Snooki wannabe or a video vixen, just ignore this section and move on to the next clause in my dating guide. No offense intended. Just my opinion and if you're looking for a guy to bring home to mom and you are pretty on par with style trends without being Lady Gaga over-the-top, then you'll probably agree with me. First of all, I have one word for you that will be an immediate reason to pretend that your imaginary dog just committed suicide and you need to start planning the funeral arrangements, and that word is JORTS. They are, without a doubt, the most unacceptable item of clothing a man can ever wear. They scream trailer park and if they think this sad excuse for a pair of shorts are appropriate to wear on a date, what the shit are they wearing when they're not trying to impress? I have two words to answer that question: ED HARDY. Ed Hardy needs to be shot and if you disagree, then you need to be shot too. (Please don't kill Ed Hardy. Thanks). But seriously, embelished clothing is for Toddlers & Tiaras, not for acceptable dating material. The rest of the unacceptable attire goes as follows: jewelry (other than a college or championship ring and a watch), short shorts, tank tops (sorry brother, but unless you're heading to the beach or cutting the grass, you're being fined), backwards hats, tight pants, jean shirts...I'm sure there are more no no's, but those are the biggest offenses.





  Translations for What he Says he Does for a Living:
"I'm actually in between jobs right now." = "I am unemployed and living with my mother."
"I'm self-employed. It's a dull life really...import/export stuff mainly." = "I'm a drug dealer"
"I pick up odd jobs here and there. I like to keep my options open." = "I will never commit to anything. I will mooch off of you if you give me the opportunity and can you give me a ride to my friend's house? He works in the import/export business."
"I'm a musician." = "I have slept with more girls than the amount of times you listened to Adele last year. Oh, and even if you're not a jealous person by nature, after dating me you'll be a total mental case in need of serious psychiatric help."


Red Flags:
Ok, here are some blatant red flags...
1.) Not being able to contain himself from staring at the tatas for an extended period of time. When I say a an "extended period of time," I mean continuing to stare after being caught. We all know that boys will be boys and it is just in their nature to sneek a peek at any chance they get. Totally get it, but if they are caught red handed and still stare, that is their only goal for the night. Copping a feel. End of story.

2.) Constantly texting on the ole cellular device. This is just horrible manners for anyone. We should all know this. If he ignores this rule then he's either A. a total narcisist who thinks he's above rules due to his importance ( the exact type of tool I would like to punch in the neck). OR B. he is keeping score of a game he has fantasy players on and he made a bad call to go out that night. I'm all for sports, but if you're going to check your phone for a score as many times as a schizophrenic checks the windows for the CIA, then you have none of my sympathy, my friend. Learn how to keep a calendar.

3.) He doesn't watch sports. I'm sorry ladies, but I just can't trust a man who doesn't like sports. I need a man's man, so if you're looking for Romeo and poetry, just ignore this part. But sports are a great way to bond on a first date! For instance: if you are like me and know a thing or two about sports (especially college football - Go Clemson!) then no matter who his team is, you can have a friendly debate which usually leads to flirting and that's obviously awesome. OR if you are clueless about sports, you can ask questions (pretend you're interested, Barbies!) and seem genuinely interested in learning more about it. Dudes love when they're teaching a girl something new. I don't know, it's some sort of man of the house macho shit. But it totally works! Sorry, went off track on that one a little bit. But moral is DON'T TRUST A MAN WITHOUT A SPORTS TEAM!

  



Well that is my guide for now. Hope it helped a wee bit. At the very least, I hope you got a couple of pointers. If you have anything to add, don't be afraid to post a comment! Over and out bitches!!!



Monday, July 30, 2012

Growing Out of Girl Code and into Lady Code (Part One)

So...since I am on season 3 of "How I Met Your Mother" on Netflix, I can say that (hopefully) my writer's block/days of disappointing posts are over. I am on episode 17, "The Goat" that has been focussed on "The Bro Code." I always hear the term, "Bro Code," but very seldom hear the term, "Girl Code" anymore. I know it exists, ie: always hold your girl's hair back when she's bowing to the porcelin god, or don't date your friend's ex, but when you get past your highschool/college days, do the rules change? I mean, on "How I Met Your Mother" these guys/gals are late twenties/early thirties, but I've only heard discussion of the bro code. I tried researching girl code online, but I've just found video vixen wannabes talking about "never let your girl leave the house without a pedicure" or "don't be a hater." Really? C'mon. These are not realistic "rules" for girl code when it comes to girls who are older than 21. So I decided to piece together my thoughts on a code for grown up girls fittingly entitled, "Lady Code."

Click the book for Barney Stinson's "Bro Code"



Lady Code #1: Emergency Time Management



If your friend has a shitty day, make sure to do all that is in your power to make her happy. Now at this age, we've got a lot going on. Networking events, dates, plans in general, etc. #2 will touch on that. But hold your horses bitches; we're still on #1. Do what you can. If it's an immediate need, she most likely really just needs to vent. If she's crying and you have HUGE, CAN'T DELAY plans; listen intently while getting ready and offer the most sound advice possible. If you have serious plans that can totes be delayed:  IMMEDIATELY put her on speakerphone while actively listening. Then text your "I have a plan with you" person and tell them you will be 20-30 minutes late, then give your gal what she needs...whether it be listening, advice giving, ego pumping, etc. If you have no plans; YOU GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR, OVER TO THE STORE, BEN & JERRY'S + WINE AND SHOW UP THERE, LIKE, YESTERDAY!!! That is code. Do not waver.

Lady Code #2: Be Reasonable



If you're having a really shitty day and you call your friend, don't expect for her to drop everything and show up at your door. At this age (as I said before) we have obligations. Sometimes, you have to understand that once in a while, you will have a time in your life that you will go through something with minimal outside support. If you're going through something huge, you let your friend(s) know and they will be there for you...but not at the drop of a hat. Face it. We're getting old and if we don't acquire adequate coping skills, we'll drown. Just be sensible about your friend(s) time. If you have a friend out there that will literally drop everything, anytime, chances are she needs you more than you need her. So get a therapist and give your friends a break. Be reasonable.

Lady Code #3: Don't Be a Judgy Wudgy Bear



Ladies do things they're not proud of. I'm not talking to anyone in specific, but chances are you're not perfect and you have wavered from your morals a time or two. What I'm trying to say is, everyone makes mistakes and/or does things they're not necessarily proud of. If your friend is one of these people and she is entrusting you with this truth, then the LAST thing she needs is judgement. It's hard enough living in a world where if a man bangs a chick and never sees her again, he's a pimp and if a girl does the same (vice versa) she's a whore; but to have your close friends judge you this way is just wrong. Now this is just an example. This could be about the fact that you're having an affair with a married man, or you kissed another friend's brother, or you threw a co-worker under the bus... you get the picture! Chances are, if you're a good person, you wouldn't be able to keep these things inside because it would kill you. So imagine your friend telling you this. Do not even flash a single hint of judgement their way. Good people do bad things sometimes and the way you tell the good people from the shitty ones is that the shitty ones don't feel bad enough to need to get it off their chest. Obviously, if the words are coming out of their mouth, they feel bad. So be a good friend. You don't need to condone it. Just try to understand why they did or are doing it and listen to them. Don't be a judgy wudgy bear. People totally hate that. Not cool maestro.

Lady Code #4: Don't Outshine a Friend



This has actually happened to me. I was going out with a guy for a couple of weeks and decided it was time for him to meet my best friend. (Disclaimer: this was my toxic bff at the time who only brought out the worst in me and we have not seen each other in years). But we ended up meeting up at a bar (one that both of us happened to bar tend at the time) and he was smitten...with her. However, if I was a dude and was introduced to someone who had on as little clothing as she did, my penis would think for me immediately as well. Long story short, he was no longer my date and she was no longer my friend. What a bitch. Yea. So if your friend loves you and respects you enough to introduce you to a guy she sees potential with, button up. I'm not saying you have to join a fucking convent. I'm just saying that you want to get in the friend zone with homeboy immediately and that is IMPOSSIBLE when you're wearing a goddamn miracle bra and a mini dress from Wet Seal!!! We know what we're doing ladies. Don't be a bitch. Don't outshine a friend.

Lady Code #5: Don't Reveal a Secret Told to You in Confidence by a Friend



Ya' just don't do it. I really don't need to elaborate on this too much. There are very few exceptions to this rule and very few excuses. Telling a secret that was told to you in confidence is ok for minimal reasons that only include life or death, eminant danger, or your best friend's dude just told you he cheated on her... that's about it. I mean, if you can think of more reasons, be my guest. There IS a comment section. It's all yours. But I really have nothing else to say on the matter.



Ok. Well I feel a multiple part post coming on. A: because I'm getting tired and would like to use my hands for finishing my glass of wine instead of typing. And B: revert back to A. So, to be continued...

Over and out bitches!!


My Girls! AKA the "Sista Wives"


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

LET LIFE HAPPEN...LOVE YOUR SINGLE LIFE!

Greetings bitches! Well I have gotten into lots of shannanigans the past 11 days!! It kicked off on Thursday 6/28 when I went to my mom's house for dinner and was surprised by 15-20 of my closest girl friends for my birthday. And I partied all weekend for my birthday including Monday (my actual birthday) and Tuesday (birthday dinner at dad's) until I left for Seattle on Wednesday for my college buddy's wedding. So needless to say, I partied the whole time I was there. So yea, my liver apologizes for not allowing me to write in a while. 


                                       

But all this birthday chaos and wedding hoopla got me thinking. Even after seeing all the happily married/engaged couples...I realized I like my single life. I really do. And I don't think I'm at a place that even if I was in a relationship, I could really settle ALL THE WAY down (ie: marriage, moving in, etc.) I would get bored and complacent and want to pull my hair out (or theirs). My life is the shit right now...well at least I think so. I can come and go as I please, I can leave dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor until I have company over, I can watch whatever the hell I want, I can spend my money on whatever the hell I please and I don't have to share my bed! Companionship? Who needs it? If I want to spend time with a dude or need something to be fixed, I have plenty of guy friends for that. And any other needs I can take care of with my B.O.B. (look it up) or an occasional booty call...I know I talk about this all the time, but the "tick tock" feeling of despair over being single at age 30 is a thing of the past! Do I want to have kids one day? Maybe. Do I want to wear that white dress and walk down the aisle? Sure. But what we late 20's and older single ladies don't realize is that there is so much fun and happiness to take advantage of NOW while we have no one else to answer to like a husband/boyfriend or kid! We waste so much time on online dating and bar scouring and dating douche bags when we could be living our fabulous lives and letting life happen to us, not the other way around. Think about how much stress could be avoided if you simply STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Even when you are dating someone...stop picturing yourself walking down the aisle or having kids with him. Let life happen to you. I am on official day 1 of "letting life happen to me." I will not waste another single minute wondering about my future dating life. I will not waste one more second looking at dating sites or scouring a crowd for a potential suitor. I am JUST GOING TO LET LIFE HAPPEN. I will keep you posted on how that works out. 

Over and out BITCHES!

       




Wednesday, June 27, 2012

BREAKUP DON'TS!!!

Breakup...

Sorry to invoke that inevitable physical reaction that the very word alone invokes in all of us. But it happens. In the rare case that you are someone whom has never experienced this awful, terrifying situation, kiss my ass. Oh and stop reading this because I want to strangle you. Thanks. Moving on...there are so many different kinds of breakups: the breakupper, the breakuppee, the cheater, the one cheated on, the abuser, the abusee, the list goes on. Regardless of your role in the breakup, the stomach flipping anxiety is present in all of us. Whether it's caused by guilt or betrayal or denial, we all have to deal with it one way or another. In this post, I would like to tell you my golden rules of what NOT to do after a breakup. You can thank me later.


1. DON'T OBSESS!

Whatever you do, do not obsess...over any of it! Don't obsess about what the other person is doing, who he/she is seeing, underlying reasons for the breakup, where that person is hanging out, etc. I know that in the past, I have gone through a breakup and immediately started facebook stalking. Who is that girl he's with? Is that his rebound? Was he seeing her before we broke up? What does she have that I don't? Jesus, I sound pathetic. So in an attempt to save you from embodying these pathetic characteristics, stop!

2. DON'T OVERANALYZE!

It's over. Move on. You don't need to analyze every part of the relationship and wonder what you could've done differently. This is somewhat of an extension of number 1. If you continue to engulf your thoughts with him/her, and why it didn't work, then you're not making the necessary steps to improve yourself and become whole again. His fault, her fault, it doesn't matter! It's over. I can't say this enough...move on!


3. DON'T STALK!

Facebook stalking is one thing, but actual stalking is illegal...and dangerous to your reputation (don't act like that's not important. C'mon, we fought our parents about the insignificance of reputation in high school...we're adults now...and that shit's important). You don't want to be viewed as the guy or girl that shows up places that the ex is at just to shamelessly throw yourselves at them, or worse, causes a scene to get their attention. Pathetic is not a strong enough word to describe this behavior. All the time you're spending trying to randomly show up at their local hang outs, is time you're missing out on mending yourself and healing your wounds. Take care of number one home slice.



4. DON'T OVERINDULGE!

I mean that in every sense of the word. Bypass the ice cream aisle, opt for the glass of wine, not the whole magnum bottle. You catch the drift. These things may make you feel better in the short term, but in the long run, you'll turn into an obese alcoholic. And no one likes a fat ass with a drinking problem. That shit's just straight up unattractive. (Yes, you can call me a hypocrite because that picture to the left was taken by me...at my house...after a breakup. I knew it would come in handy one day).



5. DON'T REBOUND!

This is hard. I know, I know...when we're down and out, it's easy to want to feel that connection with someone else...anyone else. But a one night stand ain't gonna heal your aching heart (cue Billy Cyrus). You will wake up the next morning and feel like shit. Shame, guilt, disgust...all of these are unfortunate feelings and why subject yourself to such avoidable feelings? Just say no to the random hookup. Now I'm not saying that hooking up is always a terrible idea, but if you're doing it to escape the hole your ex left in your heart, then it's a good chance that a hook up would only make that hole bigger due to the sharp edges that shame and regret tend to use in order to carve bigger slices into your already wounded heart. No bueno my friends.

Now...all that being said...you should know that these are very hard things to avoid after a breakup. And I'm not saying I always avoid all of these don'ts. Some of these things are damn near impossible to avoid. But really try to pick yourself up and look forward, not back. Breakups suck and you feel like shit after and all you want to do is distract yourself of the reality of the pain. But the pain you feel after a breakup is temporary. Hard to believe but true. The way you deal with a breakup, if dealt with the wrong way, can have lasting consequences. Do yourself a favor and don't be a dumb ass. Get your shit together...see a therapist if you have to. Just don't dick yourself over. You've got to put yourself first. Be a little selfish. Indulge yourself in something that makes you organically happy. Over and out bitches!

PS: Please check out my girl Atiya Townes blog "Remaking Me." Her writing is entertaining, comical and very refreshing. Told you I'd get you back girl! Xoxo!
RemakingMe-AtiyaTownes.Blogspot.com

Thursday, June 7, 2012

ABRA CADABRA!!!



I'm sorry it's been so damn long...again. The truth is, I don't have a damn thing to write about. It's not so much writer's block as it is dater's block. The difference being I choose not to date, and writer's block is involuntary. I'm just over it right now. I'm sick of going on dates with guys that are an inevitable disappointment due to my unrealistic standards and honestly I just enjoy the freedom of going where I please when I please and hogging my bed and watching bad tv without answering to anyone else. This is why I probed my friend about something I could write about based on his experiences. I love getting dudes opinions and stories from their own life experiences. The male in question will remain anonymous, but he is a dear friend who is happily married. We'll call him "Taylor."

So Taylor and I were hanging out at a local bar the other evening and I asked him to tell me a story. I randomly ask this of my friends all the time and I normally get the same responses: "Once upon a time, there was a crazy girl named Haywood..." or "I got nothin'..." However, this particular night, Taylor was in storytelling mode. He started telling me a story about when he was single in college. Apparently Taylor wasn't always such a perfect gent. So at one point in time, Taylor was seeing (and when I say "seeing" of course I mean "seeing naked") this girl who was dating an acquaintance of his. They weren't close per say, but the acquaintance (we'll call him "Bob") was close with a lot of Taylor's good buddies. So Taylor would meet up with this chick (let's call her Tiffany) behind Bob's back, and bump uglies so to speak.

One night, after Taylor was "over-served" at a neighborhood watering hole, he decided it was a good idea to buy Tiffany flowers and go to her house for a late night booty call. So Taylor goes up to her house, flowers in hand, and knocks on Tiffany's bedroom window. It was dark, so when the blinds were pulled open, Taylor couldn't see in, but repeatedly told who he assumed was Tiffany to go to the front door to let him in. Blinds close. Front door opens. Taylor walks to the door and to his surprise, Bob is standing in the doorway, bewildered.

"Hey Bob! I was just bringing your girlfriend's roommate some flowers. She home?" Quick recovery by Taylor. I'm impressed. She wasn't home, so Taylor left the flowers at her door. Awkward.

Crisis averted right? ....WRONG. So shortly thereafter, Tiffany apparently has a nagging conscience that compels her to spill the beans to ol' Bob. She also informs him that all of his buddies that Taylor is also friends with knew as well. So what does Bob do? Leaves a, let's just say, "memorable" message on the answering maching of the house that said buddies occupied. Something along the lines of, "You mother f*&%$*# pieces of sh*# I will f#@$ y'all up next time I see y'all! How the f*#@ could y'all not tell me my girl was running around on me with that guy!" etc., etc.

Well, homeboys receive the message (an actual answering machine from a house line...yes those still existed then) in the wee hours of the morning and are 17 sheets to the wind. Naturally, their reaction is to grab house hold appliances (hammer, bat, wrench, spatula, ya' know...the norm) and bum rush Bob's house as only drunk frat boys would do.  When excessive banging didn't wield success, they resorted to breaking and entering. Once they made their violent yet fashionable entrance, homeboy was nowhere to be found. I believe Taylor informed me that they eventually found him hiding under his bed. Poor guy.

That is as far as it went. However, hearing this story made me realize something. There are dudes that do stupid shit and that's not news to me. But what is news to me is this story coming from this particular fellow. He is like the epitome of the perfect husband. He even finds his wife's clumsy nuances "endearing" and "cute" even. If someone who did ridiculously immature and thoughtless things in his life, can turn around and transform into being husband of the year, maybe I have a chance to turn around from being "notoriously single and relationship phobia" Woody, into "I'm ready to settle down and overlook ridiculous expectations" Woody...well...here's hoping.

Over and out bitches!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Fifty Shades of Confused...




I am so sorry it's been so long my web chums! I've had so much going on! I started a new job which I LOVE!!

Speaking of new job, the girl I share an office with is an avid reader and turned me on to the ever controversial read, "Fifty Shades of Grey." Yep. I'm obsessed. While it is certainly racy; there are many ways to interpret the book and apply it to any relationship. In my opinion, it has to do with emotional availability and what you're willing to compromise to make a relationship work. I, personally, am notorious for getting consumed in relationships with unavailable men. Emotionally and otherwise. Sure, I have had a few flings with guys that are great on paper. Single, handsome, successful, funny...BORING. Now...to their defense...they are not ACTUALLY boring. They are just too available (Translation: they like me and will work and compromise to make a relationship work). The last guy I dated was great. I broke it off rather hastily and I feel terribly about it, but after the relationship before that when I let it develop and in turn ended up breaking his sweet heart, I didn't want to risk it. I knew the dynamics wouldn't work out. He even played the game to perfection. But I am entirely too insightful. I knew he was into me and too available and so I shut down. I wish I knew how to get over that. And surely one day I will when it is meant to be...when I find a man with the perfect ingredients and mix of availability with a slight challenge. Anyway...back on track Woody! The love interest in the book, Christian, has a thing with BDSM. (For those of you who don't know what that means...don't worry...I was confused on a couple of letters too: Bondage Dominance Sado Masocism). You're welcome. Anyway, this is the hurdle that Anastasia, the protagonist, has to conquer. It makes him appealing because it's a challenge for her to work to reconcile. I totally get it. She loves him, but he has needs she cannot fulfill and vice versa. For example: she cannot tolerate the punishment he needs to bestow upon her for his own sick psychological reasons. And in turn, he cannot offer her the organic kind of love she yearns for. In comes compromise. Easier said than done, my friends. I haven't finished the book, but in the real world, those two are incompatible. But he is the only one who makes her feel alive. So why is it that some women (myself included) cannot be satisfied with a man who has tons in common with them, treats them like gold and wants the best for them? This is the million dollar question. It terrifies me that I don't know if I'll ever be able to settle down with someone because of my reservations, but I have to keep having faith because I want the man I marry to be the man I am with for the rest of my life. I will keep seeking the answer my friends and I promise to report back.

Over and out bitches...

Friday, May 4, 2012

How to Tell if a Guy Likes You? Sleep with Him...

Thanks to the blog "Sex, Lies & Dating in the City" for posting the article by Dennis Hong. Be sure to check it out!


Yowzas! Some girls might be highly offended by this article. I, on the other hand, completely get his thought process. Basically, this single man blogger wrote an article about how to tell if a guy likes you. He was asked this question by one of his girlfriends and he jokingly said, "sleep with him and if he calls you again, he probably likes you." The rest of the article actually backs up this very tongue in cheek idea. I don't think girls should run around sleeping with every guy they meet, but he does have a point. Just sayin. Read it!

http://www.simonegrant.com/blog/2012/05/01/how-to-tell-if-a-guy-really-likes-you/


Thursday, April 26, 2012

You're Welcome

This post may come out of left field, but I have not been blogging about my personal experiences lately and this is going to be a cluster fuck of randomness. So hence the title, "You're Welcome."

So I've been dating a bit. One guy in particular...we'll call him Jay. Sweet guy. Tall. Funny. BEARD! (I a love a the mountain man look!!!!) Dark hair and B-E-A-UTIFUL green eyes! We went on our first date about a month or so ago. Totes didn't feel up to it. Honestly I was a little hungover, jaded, and all around bored with the dating scene. But due to the fact that I was NOT content with turning 29 a spinster, I gave it a go. We were to meet at Triangle Char & Bar in West Ashley. I got there first (awkward). I sat at the bar and just prayed every dude that passed my way was not him. Then finally this tall (thank god) security guard looking guy (but less threatening...more of just a big dude) walked up to me. I'm kind of into big dudes though because let's face it; I'm no Mary Kate Olsen and me and bigger dudes fit. But all of that aside, homeboy was very attractive...I was intrigued. He had a pretty confident vibe about him, but I could tell there was some vulnerability that I could work with behind that ego. Anyway, we've been on several more dates: Comedy club, Bluegrass Festival, more bar crawling....and as much as I like him and want to let things progress, there's this hesitation in my asshole of a brain that makes me want to slam on the brakes every time I get close to a guy that is too perfect for me. Tiny red flags turn into giant warning signs and I blow a small situation into a Category 5 relationship hurricane! For instance: he invited me to go camping with him and his friends this weekend. Fan-fucking-tastic!!! I love camping!!! I was looking forward to meeting his friends and singing and laughing and telling stories into the wee hours of the morning. Well at least that's what camping is to me. So imagine my surprise when this afternoon he tells me that most of his friends backed out and it would just be him and I with one of his guy friends...ok. Might not sound terrible, but definitely not ideal. I mean, I've only known Jay for, like, a month and I have no idea who the fark this other dude is, so why would I want to be stranded on the island with Jay and Gilligan?? I could hate that guy...or he could be a creepster...or who knows??? He could be motha lovin' Ted Bundy??? He didn't see it that way. And I don't blame him. I've been putting him off a bit because of my relationship phobias and so he probably just thinks this is just me putting him off again...but this is for real! I just don't want to hang out with some dude I don't know with the guy I'm dating...is that weird?? I don't think so. But who knows...I'm a crazy hoishiminia (yea I made that word up in 5th grade). So I told him we'd hang out tomorrow and he can go on a bromantic camping trip with homeboy on Saturday.

Long story short, I do like the guy. He's sweet. He's honest. He's funny and very likable all around. I don't want to sabotage a good thing because of my idiosycrasies! This blog is open to the public because I need your comments and advice!! Help a single lady out!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Top 5 Types of Crazy that Land Women in Spinsterville...#5: Drama Queen Crazy (DQC)


I know. I can most definitely be a drama queen. Now, am I the craziest of drama queens? Hell to the no. But I can escalate a situation from 0 to 60 in less than a minute and no I'm not proud of it. Neither should any other DQC's out there! This is something I've been trying to improve on for years and I must say that it has enhanced my quality of life tenfold! That being said, I will take you on an educational journey through the different definitions of a drama queen, why boys no likey, and how to purge the drama without losing yourself.

Drama queens are those who take the most insignificant issue and wildly spin it into a catacollismic crisis of massive proportions. They're the ones crying in a restaurant bathroom because their boyfriend is paying more attention to the waitress than to them. Or the one who opens their big mouth disclosing a secret told to them in confidence because they can't resist the temptation of a true life soap opera. Or they take on the feelings and opinions of an acquaintance only so that they are not left on the sidelines of a juicy game of gossip beat down. The thing that all these DQCs have in common is their utter lack of ability to think about anyone other than themselves. It's disgusting really. Why isn't he paying more attention to me? Because he's ordering FOOD and trust me...you don't get in the way of a man and his food. That waitress may as well be Rosie O'Donnell because the only breasts he's thinking about are the ones on his plate. And telling secrets for your own social relevance? Please! I have learned first hand that all this does is make both parties not trust you. Its pathetic really. You're not gaining any credit here...you are meerly the weak link that is broken and no one can respect that. And choosing sides? Are we in 5th grade? Well that is where girls learned this game. Choosing sides, campaigning for followers to make the other side miserable. I know it sounds juvenile but TRUST ME, this shit still goes on well past your forties. I'm obvi not past forty, but I have parents. We talk. All of these things happen on a day to day basis and they will continue to go on as long as our over the top DQCs are still out there!

Now let me have the attention of my DQCs...do you really think that all this energy you're putting forth to make yourself feel better, is being used in the most productive way it could be? If you were to use the energy you spent spinning up drama webs and turn it into something positive, you wouldn't feel the need for constant drama. Your soul would be light and you could spend your time being care free and happy. And honestly, sometimes you need to reevaluate your friends for a drama purging to be successful. I know its hard but I've done it. And I have been honest about it when the relationship doesn't fade organically. You just let them know that if y'all can't go out without inevitably creating drama or if you can't have a conversation without talking negatively about others, etc. then you'll just have to spent some time apart. The rest works itself out.  Don't get me wrong, Drama Queens have their positives...we are creative, outspoken, fun, lively and entertaining. So don't lose all of these great qualities! Just use them for the greater good.

That being said, if you can spin that energy, guys will totally notice your carefree spirit and overall lightness. But if you don't...don't say I never warned ya. Dudes hate drama queens. Do you really think a man's gonna want to hold your purse every time you bow up for girl fights? Or have to listen to you nag about all of the arguments you blew up in your head? NO! So lay off it ladies.

In conclusion...seeing as this is the last of my 5 part series, I would like to thank you for bearing with me and giving me your support through all the crazies. That was not as easy as I thought. But remember...whether you're a PFC, SFC, PGC, PCC or DQC...this is not a lifetime sentence! Life is all about learning and growing. You need to figure out who you are, what you love about yourself and what you'd like to change about yourself. Change can be hard but its also fun and liberating! Be true to you, but if parts of you are whack, send that shit packing...because you're worth it! Muah! Xoxo!!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Top 5 Types of Crazy that Land Women in Spinsterville...#4: Princess Complex Crazy (PCC)


Heads up: this post has taken the longest of any others I've ever written, mainly because out of all of the crazies, I am the furthest removed from this one. I may have grown up in a family that rarely wanted for much, but my parents taught me the value of a dollar, the importance of common courtesy and made me work for the things I wanted... So again, this may be one of my weaker posts, but I'll try to get through it. 

You know her. Shit, you've probably known several. Hopefully you aren't one, but if so, listen up sista and fasten your seat belt because Woody's about to stuff a a big ass reality check in your face.

Their dad's probably called them (or still do call them) "Princess." They also bought them whatever they wanted, gave in to every whim, and set them up for complete dating failure. The Princess Complex Crazy (PCC) refers to a girl who is completely devoid of reality and expects for the world to revolve around her. She finds the concept of the word "no" to be very perplexing and is usually baffled when turned down...for anything. She'll hold up lines without any concern for other people's time; after all, this is her world, we're just living in it. She uses men as props she can drag along to functions they have no interest in so that she can brag about her overall perfection. She is pretentious. She is materialistic. And so many guys eat that shit UP! I really don't get it. I don't. But I will say...if you're a PCC and you haven't nabbed up a pussy boy that will cater to your every whim yet, good luck with that.

Most men these days have realized that independent, down-to-earth women who make their own money and can stroke their own egos actually do exist! Most guys don't WANT to put up with a pretentious brat who is only going to use them for material and social gain when they can date someone who is just as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as they are in an evening gown. Furthermore, most guys find PCC behavior disgusting if not laughable.

Now...if any of these traits apply to you, listen here...and listen good. STOP!!! Wake up and realize that while reputation is important, social status is not the most important thing in life! Would you like to be married for the rest of your life to a pushover that you don't respect just so that you can gallivant in some waspy, lame country club? Also, relationships are about compromise! If you can't comprehend the concept of other people's time, money and energy, you'll never have a balanced relationship. Honestly, you'll most likely either wind up in a shitty marriage resenting your husband who will probably look for a chic on the side to appreciate him, OR you'll wind up a crazy cat lady with leather skin and a cracked tiara. The choice is yours crazy pants!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Top 5 Types of Crazy that Land Women in Spinsterville: #3: Party Girl Crazy (PGC)



Ok...for those of you who know me, I know what you're thinking: "Pot, meet Kettle...Kettle, meet Pot." I know this has been a perception some people have had of me before. And honestly, I don't think all party girl's deter relationships! Party Girl Woody circa 1996-2008, yea, total relationship deterrant. But I have learned to balance my party girl ways with my "keeping my shit together" life. I had to grow up. Do I unleash my PG at times? You're goddamn right I do, but I use all of the fun qualities of my PG and apply them responsibly (as much as possible...I ain't perfect) to my everyday life. If you've got a party girl in you, you can wave that flag when appropriate, but you have to have your shit together. If your PG gets in the way of being a contributing, responsible part of society, then you've gone from PG to PGC! Let me make the distiction of how PGC can fuck your dating life up:


GoodNESS! I have seen (and in some ways been) this girl a thousand times! You like to go out and party...why? Because you thrive on the attention from the other sex! Deny, deny, deny but you're only fooling yourself! PGC's are extremely insecure. You gotta get out there in your barely there, hoochie mama outfit, dance on the bar and make sure someone else still finds you attractive. At this point, you either become a tease, a sloot, or a cheater. (Depending on your relationship status). Now before I piss off party girls everywhere, let me reitterate that there is a difference between PG and PGC. But PGC's are all about getting their rocks off on another dude scoping out the merchandise (and getting completely bombed allowing them to forget their debillitating insecurities). C'mon, you've all seen'em. These are the same chicks flashing their tits and dancing on tables. And if they are attached and have made their men stay at home, guess who they're calling at 4am when their hair reeks of vomit and their slutty dress is barely holding in their tits? Their man! Yet when their man wants to go out without them...totally unacceptable. See this is where I want to reign in my PGC's and graduate them to PG's. You can still be a PG without flashing your tits, dancing on tables and losing all motor skills! Don't be that girl ladies! Men don't find this attractive! They just have an involuntary reaction in their trousers which starts making decisions for them and then their pants ask you to come home with them and then they wake up with the brain that's NOT stuck in between 2 balls and want nothing to do with you!Go out when you want to let your hair down and have fun for the sake of having fun! Don't let your attention seeking ways lure you from the couch to the bar just because you had a shitty day and want someone else to inflate your ego! If this IS the case, take a look at yourself and say, " I'm hot. I'm smart (well if you are...otherwise, just say you're hot) and know that you thinking that about yourself is enough. If you're sold on your awesomeness, they will too. If you go out with the sole intention of someone else reinforcing that, your going to work overtime to try and get these results and then you birth a PGC right there on the dancefloor. And the only thing grosser then a PGC being born on a dance floor is a baby at prom. Y'all watch Discovery Channel. PLEASE! How the F#@K don't they know they're pregnant!?! Anyway...moral of the story...you can wave that PG flag high and proud...as long as you do it knowing you're partying for yourself and all the party people that don't give a shit about your cup size or your gag reflex. You're welcome.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Top 5 Types of Crazy That Land Women in Spinsterville...#2 Stage 5 Clinger (SFC)



We all know women like this. It's like a train wreck. You can't stop it. You can't slow it down. You sure as hell can't change it's course. You know exactly what will happen and you CAN'T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF IT!  It's so sad. It's like these ladies have a tick in their brain that compels them to do the same obnoxious shit over and over again. SFC is a pretty broad term since there's so many forms of SFC...equally depressing. Let's go over a couple shall we?

One form of SFC is a coyote arm Clinger (Google it). This girl could be in your bed after you had a considerably indulgent evening. And the next morning, while you have no intention of dating this girl, in a split second, moment of weakness, rookie move, you give her your number. Not the "go to" random digits to your favorite take out or one of your home boys numbers. Your REAL number. That was your first mistake. Any positive affirmations thrown her way are wildly exaggerated in her brain and the hunt is on...Now ladies... C'mon ladies! Whatever happened to the rules? Don't ask for his number and CERTAINLY don't expect a call after a random hook up. Ok so I do know of a few relationships that have blossomed out of one night stands, but these are the EXCEPTIONS! NOT the rule. Pay attention. While a flirty hook up once in a while is somewhat acceptable if that's your shtick, don't expect for Prince Charming to be on a white horse with a dozen red roses the next morning. 9 times out of 10, that AIN'T HAPPENNIN'! Don't get his number and don't call him. Y'all were an escape for each other. That ride's over. Let it go. Don't go back to the same bar y'all met over and over again expecting to "randomly bump into eachother"...that's creepy. Don't drive by his house several times a day...that's illegal. Moral of this form of clinger story is this: If a guy wants to spend time with you, he WILL get your number and he WILL call. Otherwise, leave it alone. People like you shouldn't have one night stands. It's irresponsible...and scary.

The other type of Stage Five Clinger is the Girlfriend Clinger. Oh boys, I can hear all of your hearts racing now. That HAS to be terrible. In fact I KNOW it's terrible because dudes can be clingers too and there ain't NOTHIN' worse than a clinger gf/bf! But let's concentrate on a lady clinger. Ok...you've definitley been friends or ARE friends with this particular chick. Or for guys (and this is worse for y'all) you have either had a clinger gf or have been friends with a dude with a clinger gf. They are on their men like a Lohan to coke! Constantly asking them if they love them, if they look pretty, what are they doing, where are they going UGH!!! It's SO unattractive!!! Pull your head out of their asses ladies! Their just people! Just dudes! Do they love you? Well if you have to ask then maybe you should re-evaluate your insecurities in this relationship. Do you look pretty? WTF do you think he's gonna say? "No. You look like shit. Buy a comb." They don't like being asked personal questions all the time. Men will open up when they're ready. And don't nag them about their location all the time. Give him some space! Don't you have, like, a ladies night....or a fucking cat lovers meeting to go to? Calm it on down. You HAVE to have something else to do then worry about what your man's doing all the time. Live your life. Let them live theirs. And I promise your relationship will last longer than Whitney Houston's sobriety. And the time y'all spend together will be fun.  Not forced.

In closing, I would like to say, that Clingers are everywhere and there are so many forms of clingers, but these are the two I see most often. And if any of this resembles you, I guarantee you that is 100% why you are single. And if your not, you will be...soon. Just sayin. Over and out bitches!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Top 5 Types of Crazy that Land Women in Spinsterville...#1: Picket Fence Crazy (PFC)



Ok...I'll admit it...some of these qualities do apply to me. However, there are many different kinds of crazy...Jebus there could be an entire blog devoted to this one subject! But over the next few entries I will run through the different types of crazies that can land you in Spinsterville. I'll also give my advice on how to modify this behavior so that you might at least get a day pass out of town. Take it or leave it. Just my opinions I've gathered from what I've seen and experienced in my 28 short years. Here goes...


 #1 PICKET FENCE CRAZY 

This is someone who is OBSESSED with finding love. So clouded by the idea of a relationship and marriage and the picket fence, etc. that she is too blind to actually find it. A date with a chick like this could end with her naming y'alls first born. However, before you get all confident (MEN) thinking you can spot these chicks a mile away and avoid them like the plague...it would be irresponsible of me not to clarify that most of these ladies are way sneakier than that. I'd say 95% of these ladies are not going to throw out any red flags that will stop this relationship train before it leaves the station! Sorry fellas, but psycho pants could fly under the radar masking her craziness for quite some time before pulling out the big guns. She could be sexy, cool, totally gf worthy for the first 4 or 5 dates (give or take) and then BOOM! PFC  flies out like a ninja! "Are we going to define the relationship or what?" "We should move in with each other!" "OMG we should TOTALLY adopt a dog together!" You know where I'm going with this. Point being (LADIES), dudes don't like being rushed...nor do they like to feel like they are the last ingredient in a story line you've been building in your head since the days of Ken and Barbie. Go with the flow my sistas! I know it can be hard not to try and seek these things out. I get it. Been there. But you've got to think of a potential suitor as a building block. Just hear me out: you've got to find another building block (the man)  that fits with the existing building block (you) first ...before all the other imaginary building blocks of your dream life. Then once you find that, you can start to add on blocks that fit with the both of you. If you put all the other blocks in place before the man's building block, it will be very hard to find one that will fit! Think about it. Read it again if you have to. Still doesn't make sense? Well it did in my head and I'm really smart. No, but basically, if we ladies have our entire lives mapped out in our heads, it's going to be close to impossible to find the perfect guy to make our imaginary dream life come true. And furthermore, we're going to cut off so many other paths we could have taken. Whether it be a job opportunity, or a fling with an artist that you didn't risk because he couldn't support a family. Adjust your vision to maybe include someone that could possibly enhance your life the way it is NOW! Not someone who could enhance the life your dreaming and pouting and obsessing over. I know it's extremely annoying when people say, "You'll find it when you're not looking for it." I HATE THAT SAYING!!! If you are in your late 20's or older, it's very likely YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IT!!! So now that you're aware of my hatred of that saying, let me just say that I agree with my modification of that saying, "You're more likely to find it when you stop obsessing over it." Yes, you're still gonna get lonely at times and wish you had some companionship, but life goes on. Write about it or have a glass of wine or exercise or whatever it is you do to get your mind off shit, then live your life. The more time you spend crying to your friends or anyone that will listen about the fact you're single, the more time you are wasting that could've been spent having fun and laughing (which by the way is very attractive to guys...just sayin). Be happy with you and content with who you are and if the Universe throws you a bone, great! If not, do you really think the little time you have on this earth is well spent pouting and obsessing over shit you can't control??? Negative ghost rider. Get off that crazy train and live your life bitches!!! Wow...I really got off on a tangent there...you're welcome.

Stay tuned for reason # 2...coming soon!!! I'm out!!



Thursday, February 23, 2012

Manslations: The MAN Post

***Disclaimer***
If you are a part of my life: friend, family, ex-boyfriend, girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend, etc...you are NOT off limits. I will change your name, but if it's blogworthy then there's no way around it. I always speak the truth and sometimes that shit hurts. So don't waste your time by calling me to moan and pout about it or awkwardly confront me at a bar. I will not take down any posts. If you and/or your relationship is that insecure then that's your problem. Go write a blog about it.



Happy Thursday beautiful people! What a week! Thank GOD it's almost over! I have been spending a lot of time this week thinking about stories to write about, when I remembered an interesting situation I found myself in a couple of weeks ago. Here goes...

I went to have drinks with 3 of my guy friends after they left a work dinner. One is divorced and single, one of them is clueless and single and the other one is married...So I walked up on an intriguing conversation. The clueless, single buddy (let's call him Kelso) had just been pressured into getting a girl's number who happened to be their waitress at the restaurant they had just left and they were debating on when he should call her. My married friend (let's go with Taylor) suggested the "no games" route, "Call her tomorrow!" My divorced friend (eh...Rico) suggested a strategic plan to make her sweat it out, "Not tomorrow! Shit...not even Saturday!" (It was a Thursday). "Make her sweat! Call her on Monday or Tuesday!" Kelso was well...clueless...After getting cut-off several times, I was able to finally say my piece, "Tomorrow is eager.Go with Saturday. If you want to see her and if she wants to see you, when you call her on Saturday y'all can meet up then." These differences in opinion started a heated debate and multiple factors came into play. Taylor started to preach that there's no need to play games and that if y'all like each other, you like each other and when you call her doesn't matter. Rico was adamant that this was a HUGE rookie mistake.  We had a once in a lifetime element going on here with the divorced man, the married man, the single fella and me, the single girl...And I couldn't believe I was playing into this! I'm team girl! I should've said, "No games! Shit, call her tonight!" But I DO believe in games. As long as I've promoted the no games approach. It is completely necessary. If a cute guy got my number, I would be flattered...excited...hopeful, but if he turned around and texted/called me too soon, I would immediately start to question his check listability (what about this guy is veering off of my check list? No car? Foot fetish? Mommy issues? etc.) If he called right away, I'd wonder, "why so eager? Are you so impatiently trying to move things along because I'm the first girl to give you her number?" Terrible, I know. Hypocritical even. I am notorious for playing the game all wrong! But I never claimed to be perfect.

Now here is the best part: I was privy to a "man cave convo." (a convo most girls are not privy to and usually happen in some sort of garage or bar). Apparently, the way you play the game depends on not only if she is hot or not...but if she KNOWS she's hot or not. Let me explain...

So, if she's hot and she KNOWS it, play that game like David Beckham! Wait at LEAST 3 days...but don't wait too long because this chick will get snatched up. You gotta read her right. Because you see, this girl is used to guys asking for her number. She's not desperate to go out on a date with anybody! You gotta stand out. Hold on to that mystery. Call her too soon and she's got you pinned for some desperate dude. Wait too long and she'll forget all about you. Very thin line on that one.

Now if she's hot and DOESN'T know it like the girl in question (in this case, homegirl was "geek chic" AKA, hot alternative chick with glasses who probably recently came into her hotness) then you have some lee way. Still wait a day just in case, but she will still be excited to hear from you because she probably doesn't get hit on ALL THE TIME like my made up Barbarella in the previous paragraph. 

I just found all of this information mind blowing. Honestly, I see a lot of truth in this. Is it an exact science? Of course not! The only exact science I know is that I have a bigger brain than you...THAT'S science. But I think you can apply this to guys and girls.We can get into part 2 of this next week. But this was an enlightening evening for me. Hope you got something out of it. I will keep you posted on Kelso and Geek Chic as soon as I find out more. Over and out bitches!

Monday, February 13, 2012

THE Ex Says "I Still Love You"...Yowzas!!


Happy Monday! I hope you all had an amaxing weekend! I sure as hell did...understatement. But the night that blew my mind was Friday. Some of the gals and I went to check out my buddies reggae band's video shoot. I was dressed to impress in my typical dress and boots combo and feeling hot! Thank GOD I chose the particular outfit I did because I ran into THE ex. Not some short lived romance ex...THE ex that was my first love whom I dated for 7+ years. This was the relationship that almost broke me. It was a cripplingly dependent hot mess of a rollercoaster ride I shared with this fellow. We broke up and got back together more times than I can even count. I was cheated on, pushed around, and we both partook in some verbal abuse. But the last time we were together, he lived in an apartment complex on JI where I pretty much lived with him. When a new neighbor moved in across the hall, we both introduced ourselves and made her feel welcome. I immediately knew something was off with this chick, but whatevs. As time went on, he and I started to become a little distant and before I knew it, homegirl was doing his laundry and bringing him dinner!?!? I thought it was funny because by this time, everyone knew this chick was bonkers and I thought he was just taking advantage of her obvious crush on him. After some more time had passed, I made the bold decision to move out to Seattle for a while and we broke up. It wasn't long after that (I'm talking a hot minute) little birdies were telling me that the ex and goof troop were shacking up. (I later found out that they had actually been bumping uglies long before I was out of the picture). Awesome...I really hadn't given him enough credit. Dude was a ninja with his affairs...or maybe I was just blind. ANYWAY...they are still together and her and I have had words with each other on several different occasions...but after seeing her on Friday, I knew I had won. This is going to sound real shitty, so I will preface this with an apology...but my scale of attractiveness had way surpassed hers. She had gained a shit ton of weight and I had lost a bunch and I've grown into my looks whereas she had apparently gotten comfortable during her dependent lifestyle with Casanova. I actually felt sorry for her. I knew what that was like. I had been there! So I decided to take her aside and squash the tension. She wasn't having it, but the talk was really for me anyway, so who cares. But later on that evening, the ex walks up to me when goof troop wasn't around and said...wait for it..."YOU KNOW I STILL LOVE YOU!" Really dude? After all this time, you want to try and dredge this shit back up again?? I was furious. How dare him!?!? But after the initial shock wore off, a surprising feeling of relief came over me! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! I did not care in the SLIGHTEST that he still had feelings for me. If anything I just felt sorry for him because I have moved so past this that I can't even see him in the rear view mirror and just seeing me once has him professing his love. Do I really think he loves me still? No...I think him shwasty faced on dark liquor loves the idea of me. But it just blew my mind. Not so much that he said it, but that I couldn't care less. Go me! So of course after that interaction with both of them I made sure to stay in their eye line and dance with the cutest guys there, but I had to get some enjoyment out of it! Call me a bitch. You won't be the only one. But at least I'm a self-fulfilling, happy bitch! You're welcome. Over and out bitches.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Text from an ex, "I'm committed"...



Ah yes...here we are again. I am sipping on some very fine wine I got on sale at Total Wine and have been inspired, once again, to enlighten the world wide web of my single woman apiphanies. All of thee are welcome.

So on a split second, bad judgement call wimb, I decide to text my ex-boyfriend...let's call him Bob...just to catch up. Compare notes on our single and equally independent lives. It always makes me feel better to know I have a single ex out there who doesn't have an automatic sherades partner they're occupying their time with. So on nights like tonight, when I need a little pick me up, I grab the ol' telly for a bit of a reminiscing sesh, if you will. I believe I will think twice before deciding to make that call again.

So I text him a witty one liner from Anchorman to get things going and finish with a "PS: this is my last attempt to contact as this is getting pathetic...and I'm running out of witty one liners..." (Back pedal: the last few times we've tried to connect, one or both of us have been preoccupied with friends or work...due to the nature of our relationship, that comment wasn't as pathetic as it looks). A few minutes passes and he says, "Woody, the reason I haven't been able to chat/text with you is because I am comitted..." Comitted? To a mental institution??? That's where this chick he's with needs to be! Ok...sorry, but this man is a serial cheater! He has cheated on every girl he's been with multiple times (once in my case, thank you). And now he's "comitted?" That's fine. Once again, I find myself trying to convince myself that it is for the best that I'm not with a guy from my past. Who knows? Maybe he is still a cheater...maybe my other ex IS still a sociopath...maybe the ex before that IS still a mean drunk. But I can't help to wonder...did I just not wait long enough? Could these guys that I dropped at the peak of their douche baggery really be aiming for a homerun into the hall of fame of awesomeness? I mean, I'm not perfect. I'm sure guys that wouldn't have dated me in my wild days would kick themselves now. But at that time, I WASN'T "bring home to mama" material. Does anyone see where I'm going with this? I'm not saying that every guy I've dated would want to be with me now, but let's just say...for blog's sake...that is the case...maybe if I stuck it out through the peak of their complete tool phases, that they would turn that corner while we were still together and POOF! Prince motha friggin Charming!

But let's be honest...if I think about it...after every one of these relationships...I learned something new about myself. I turned a corner and figured out one or more things I wanted to aim for and to change in my life. This is what has made me the cool as shit chica I've become. That being said, after breaking up with me, these fine specimens (I'm giving tons of credit here) probably turned a corner themselves. They probably realized some things they disliked about themselves and wanted to change about themselves in order to make them more appealing for the next lady that came along and (hopefully) for themselves.

Moral of the story: Yes...it is inevitable that if you're single and as you get older...you will notice not only friends pairing off, but worse...exes getting into relationships, and worse yet...getting married. And yes, this does have a tiny bit to do with you (me) because we affect everyone we are in relationships with. Once we end a relationship, we start wondering what went wrong and start building ourselves back up to be the desirable person we want others to see us as. But never dwell on "that could be me." Because if it were you, it would be you with the same guy you broke up with back when. It's not until we move on and spend time alone that we start to recognize the need for change.

Wow...shit got deep. I need a cigarette. Over and out bitches.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Ex Boyfriend at a Wedding Show...yea

Good Monday all! I have had one helluva day. Besides the fact that I just found out I have to pay thousands of dollars to fix my car, I owe even more money in taxes and I just spent hundreds on boots (prior to knowledge of money owed); my work phone has been ringing off the the hook with wedding room inquiries.  For those of you that don't know, I'm a sales manager (amongst other things) at a popular hotel chain. And I went to the Charleston Wedding Show a couple of Sundays ago to represent our management company. It was kind of fun actually. The gal who came with me (another sales manager within our company) is a pretty cool chick.  And one of our Regional Managers was there too, but he's good people. Moving on...we had a kick ass display, we were meeting tons of bride and momzillas to be, and killing it! All of a sudden, I scan the crowd and see one of my exes walking in the crowd in the general vacinity towards our booth. He was with a girl who I can safely assume was his fiance. They were at a wedding show afterall. My chest tightened. How is this guy getting married?? Really?? I did break up with him. But that was because he was a sociopath, had no drivers license due to 2 previous DUIs and was a line cook at a bar...needless to say I broke up with him... via text message. I know I know...that's horrible! But I hate confrontation and don't worry...I got what karma intended because of that: Seeing him at a wedding show...with his fiance. Anyway, so I scooted out to "use the rest room." When I got back I told my co-worker that I totes just dodged a bullet. I told her the situation and naturally she asked, "what's his name?" Jesus Christ...really? I could not for the life of me remember his name! Granted it was a couple years ago and we only dated a few months, but is that terrible? When you've been single for the greater part of the last 5 years and your open to dating, it's safe to say you'll rack up some short lived romances yes? Is it sad to say I can't remember all of their names? Is it even sadder that I'm actually bummed out that this mystery named man is getting married even though I broke up with him? I don't know. I just find it to be interesting that a single line chef with no car is considered a catch while an outspoken sales professional is considered tragic. Am I better off single...to find a guy deserving of me to settle down with? I'd like to think so. But it doesn't mask the emotions involved in seeing an ex with his fiance. Just sayin....over and out.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Whyyyyyyyyyyy????



So I found a decent guy on this crazy dating site. Cute. TALL! Witty. He does unfortunately live about an hour and a half away (of course) but not an alien. We've been texting back and forth and I was feeling giddy for the first time in a while. I will go as far as to say I was/am crushing on this dude a bit. Very surprising seeing as the other guys I've come in contact through this site are either vertically challenged, have strange fetishes or are just fucking nuts. Anyway, I had to figure out a way to inevitably fuck it up right? Don't worry. I'm really good at this part. So last night I went to my step-grandmother's birthday party at the old folks home. The only way I was getting through that shmooze fest was to consume copious amounts of vino. Which I did. Upon my return back to my house, I started texting my new crush. We texted about our family, Stephen Colbert, you know...the usual. Then my evil twin (who hates me) came out and started texting. Whaaat a bitch. "I'm thinking about calling you, Mr. xxxxxxxx. What do you think about that?" Really? I've known that this guy has existed for, like, a minute and I think the best time to talk on the phone is after drinking an entire bottle of wine? I am such a winner. Anyway...he responded perfectly with a witty one liner about how that was a negative ghost rider...obvious red flag for me to take it easy. It's all so clear to me NOW...but then...I thought, no. I should annoy the shit out of this guy until I'm really on his shit list: "I'm starting to think that maybe you sound like Peewee Herman." Way to stroke the ego Woody. Silence. Fast forward 10 minutes. Me again: "You asleep?" Him: "Yup. Watching the Daily Show" Me: "Your asleep but watching the Daily Show? That's commitment." (I can see how I was trying to be witty with that one, but being witty was doing me no favors at this point.) There were a couple more awkward exchanges before I finally retired the phone, but it wasn't good. I just don't know when to stop! I'm not going to pretend like this guy and me are soul mates or anything...but it's just funny how I shit on something that has potential and totally show up to work for a relationship that's going to emotionally kick my ass! Now here's the kicker...homeboy is my facebook friend and will most likely read this as he has read my other posts. What can I say? I'm ballsy...and I'm just a silly girl. I am who I am take it or leave it :) On another note, if you're reading this, and you dig it, please write a commentt or subscribe or follow or whatever. I will appreciate you for that fo sho! Alright, going to call it a night. Over and out bitches!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Really maestro?



Well...I left my computer at work, so blogging from a phone has its challenges. Here goes...so several months back I met my first online dude in person. He was in the air force. Thank you army, military, combat people...you're awesome! Just never wanted to date you. Nor have I ever been particularly attracted to you...just sayin. Anyway so he invites me for a drink at the Charleston Place bar. Swanky...not really my style. I don't really know why I went...biological clock maybe? Jesus is that thing fucked up and completely inaccurate! Anyway, one of the first things he asks me is, "Do you own a ball gown?" Hmmm...is this serious? What am I? Fuckin Cinderella? Yea champ...I got one in my purse and it poofs out when you put it in hot water ...wow. Anyway, long story short, homeboy wanted me to go to a military ball and all the other girls he asked...yes you saw correctly...ALL THE OTHER GIRLS HE ASKED...didn't have one. Well this date was really going places. I named our first born while restraining myself from strangling him. So he asked me to go to another bar with him which I respectfully declined and all of a sudden I get this alter ego, "you don't like me do you. Oh god. You just hate me. Aw man. What can I do to make it up to you???" "Go back in a time machine and totally stop you parents from reproducing!" Ok I didn't say that. But after him whining the whole way back to my car, I wanted to! When I finally saw my car...I ran to it. Locked the doors. And prayed he didn't slash my tires. Creepster!! Don't stick around after someone asks if you own a ball gown. You might be chopped into little pieces. Just a little bit of advice from me to you. You're welcome.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Totally underwhelmed, Einstein...



So...I somewhat recently went out on a date with the kind of guy I like to call the "know it all." Or in other words, "good luck getting a word in edge wise" dude. Met him on the oh so reputable free dating site, "OK Cupid." Seemed like a good guy (don't they all from the confines of a computer screen). His profile mentioned his love of math which was only a slight red flag...aren't all guys good at math? Whatever. Anyway, all of his pictures showed him playing rugby and oh so seemingly manly. So imagine my surprise when I show up to my neighborhood pizza joint to meet papa Smurf?? I'm not picky on looks...I'm really not. But I've got one stipulation I like to stand by...and I would like it to be 6ft +. I mean, I'm 6'2 in 3/4 of the shoes I own. But honestly...was totally willing to look past that obvious breech in profile honesty. That was...until he began his endless moaning about how he was 20 times smarter than all of the individuals that have gotten the jobs he applied for. I don't know about you, but when I hire someone, my immediate response is not to email the candidate I DIDN'T pick, the IQ test results of the individual I ended up hiring. But that's just me. Anyway, needless to say, anything this man knows about me, has not a single thing to do with probing questions from him. It has to do with me hijacking the conversation when possible to say, " Oh I love football, my parents went to Clem..." that's about as far as I could get before inevitably being cut off by his entirely more intriguing conversation about math. Well...I was pissed. I bought a new dress, new tan booties, spent  several minutes on my makeup and many phone calls to girlfriends for pep talks. I should have just studied up on the movie "A Beautiful Mind" and start quoting math equations. What a douche. But just when I thought it couldn't get worse...BAM...the bill. And being the nice southern lady my mom raised me to be, I offered to split the bill. His response? "Yea. I got my half." Well thank you fake rugby Papa Smurf math man!!! I hope you choke on the leftovers you took from both of our meals. Lesson learned...don't believe everything you read on a dating website profile.

Totally aware of why I'm single...



Yes. I am 100% aware of why I'm single. I hate rules. It's as simple as those 3 words. All of these rules exist that ladies should wait for the guy to contact them, or to make the first move... If I want to talk to a guy, I reserve the right to text him witty one liners while mildly intoxicated until he texts back. Or to leave a voice mail with random chatter about a conversation I completely contrived in order for him to hear until he calls back to tell me I "butt dialled" him and left the funniest message. Or to ask a guy for his number...so that he will undoubtedly be "butt dialled" or drunk texted. We are supposed to be a mystery. I get it. I get it because these same mysterious qualities are what make a guy intriguing to me too. And the guys that say "I'm sick of games" and lay it all out there, immediately turn me off. We all just like the chase. And if you're easy prey...siyenara! I'm bored...round 2. So why...when I know all these things...can't I apply them to my life and my dating world? I don't know...impatience I guess. I like immediate results. Results, that is, with a guy who can play on the thin line between "too much" and "just enough." I guess this blog is just to help me figure out how to play that same line. The more I'm writing, the more I'm enlightening to myself. I'm one of those single gals that give great relationship advice. I guess I'm pretty oxymoronic, but I've been a walking contradiction pretty much my whole life so I'm used to it. I'm one of those ladies that reads cliche girl power quotes and says to herself, "that's what I'm talkin' about!" then turns around and makes a joke at the writer's expense. I don't know. I think I don't want to be single anymore...but why? Is it because I feel like I'm at the age where I should be settling down? Is it because all 3 sides of my refirigerator is covered in wedding and baby shower invitations...or because children no longer repulse me? I really don't know...but I better figure this shit out before I wake up as one of those ladies I feel sorry for wearing lowrider jeans, a belly shirt and some serious leather skin issues at the bar. So...here in lies the trials and tribulations of my single life. Here goes...