Thursday, February 23, 2012

Manslations: The MAN Post

If you are a part of my life: friend, family, ex-boyfriend, girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend, are NOT off limits. I will change your name, but if it's blogworthy then there's no way around it. I always speak the truth and sometimes that shit hurts. So don't waste your time by calling me to moan and pout about it or awkwardly confront me at a bar. I will not take down any posts. If you and/or your relationship is that insecure then that's your problem. Go write a blog about it.

Happy Thursday beautiful people! What a week! Thank GOD it's almost over! I have been spending a lot of time this week thinking about stories to write about, when I remembered an interesting situation I found myself in a couple of weeks ago. Here goes...

I went to have drinks with 3 of my guy friends after they left a work dinner. One is divorced and single, one of them is clueless and single and the other one is married...So I walked up on an intriguing conversation. The clueless, single buddy (let's call him Kelso) had just been pressured into getting a girl's number who happened to be their waitress at the restaurant they had just left and they were debating on when he should call her. My married friend (let's go with Taylor) suggested the "no games" route, "Call her tomorrow!" My divorced friend (eh...Rico) suggested a strategic plan to make her sweat it out, "Not tomorrow! Shit...not even Saturday!" (It was a Thursday). "Make her sweat! Call her on Monday or Tuesday!" Kelso was well...clueless...After getting cut-off several times, I was able to finally say my piece, "Tomorrow is eager.Go with Saturday. If you want to see her and if she wants to see you, when you call her on Saturday y'all can meet up then." These differences in opinion started a heated debate and multiple factors came into play. Taylor started to preach that there's no need to play games and that if y'all like each other, you like each other and when you call her doesn't matter. Rico was adamant that this was a HUGE rookie mistake.  We had a once in a lifetime element going on here with the divorced man, the married man, the single fella and me, the single girl...And I couldn't believe I was playing into this! I'm team girl! I should've said, "No games! Shit, call her tonight!" But I DO believe in games. As long as I've promoted the no games approach. It is completely necessary. If a cute guy got my number, I would be flattered...excited...hopeful, but if he turned around and texted/called me too soon, I would immediately start to question his check listability (what about this guy is veering off of my check list? No car? Foot fetish? Mommy issues? etc.) If he called right away, I'd wonder, "why so eager? Are you so impatiently trying to move things along because I'm the first girl to give you her number?" Terrible, I know. Hypocritical even. I am notorious for playing the game all wrong! But I never claimed to be perfect.

Now here is the best part: I was privy to a "man cave convo." (a convo most girls are not privy to and usually happen in some sort of garage or bar). Apparently, the way you play the game depends on not only if she is hot or not...but if she KNOWS she's hot or not. Let me explain...

So, if she's hot and she KNOWS it, play that game like David Beckham! Wait at LEAST 3 days...but don't wait too long because this chick will get snatched up. You gotta read her right. Because you see, this girl is used to guys asking for her number. She's not desperate to go out on a date with anybody! You gotta stand out. Hold on to that mystery. Call her too soon and she's got you pinned for some desperate dude. Wait too long and she'll forget all about you. Very thin line on that one.

Now if she's hot and DOESN'T know it like the girl in question (in this case, homegirl was "geek chic" AKA, hot alternative chick with glasses who probably recently came into her hotness) then you have some lee way. Still wait a day just in case, but she will still be excited to hear from you because she probably doesn't get hit on ALL THE TIME like my made up Barbarella in the previous paragraph. 

I just found all of this information mind blowing. Honestly, I see a lot of truth in this. Is it an exact science? Of course not! The only exact science I know is that I have a bigger brain than you...THAT'S science. But I think you can apply this to guys and girls.We can get into part 2 of this next week. But this was an enlightening evening for me. Hope you got something out of it. I will keep you posted on Kelso and Geek Chic as soon as I find out more. Over and out bitches!

Monday, February 13, 2012

THE Ex Says "I Still Love You"...Yowzas!!

Happy Monday! I hope you all had an amaxing weekend! I sure as hell did...understatement. But the night that blew my mind was Friday. Some of the gals and I went to check out my buddies reggae band's video shoot. I was dressed to impress in my typical dress and boots combo and feeling hot! Thank GOD I chose the particular outfit I did because I ran into THE ex. Not some short lived romance ex...THE ex that was my first love whom I dated for 7+ years. This was the relationship that almost broke me. It was a cripplingly dependent hot mess of a rollercoaster ride I shared with this fellow. We broke up and got back together more times than I can even count. I was cheated on, pushed around, and we both partook in some verbal abuse. But the last time we were together, he lived in an apartment complex on JI where I pretty much lived with him. When a new neighbor moved in across the hall, we both introduced ourselves and made her feel welcome. I immediately knew something was off with this chick, but whatevs. As time went on, he and I started to become a little distant and before I knew it, homegirl was doing his laundry and bringing him dinner!?!? I thought it was funny because by this time, everyone knew this chick was bonkers and I thought he was just taking advantage of her obvious crush on him. After some more time had passed, I made the bold decision to move out to Seattle for a while and we broke up. It wasn't long after that (I'm talking a hot minute) little birdies were telling me that the ex and goof troop were shacking up. (I later found out that they had actually been bumping uglies long before I was out of the picture). Awesome...I really hadn't given him enough credit. Dude was a ninja with his affairs...or maybe I was just blind. ANYWAY...they are still together and her and I have had words with each other on several different occasions...but after seeing her on Friday, I knew I had won. This is going to sound real shitty, so I will preface this with an apology...but my scale of attractiveness had way surpassed hers. She had gained a shit ton of weight and I had lost a bunch and I've grown into my looks whereas she had apparently gotten comfortable during her dependent lifestyle with Casanova. I actually felt sorry for her. I knew what that was like. I had been there! So I decided to take her aside and squash the tension. She wasn't having it, but the talk was really for me anyway, so who cares. But later on that evening, the ex walks up to me when goof troop wasn't around and said...wait for it..."YOU KNOW I STILL LOVE YOU!" Really dude? After all this time, you want to try and dredge this shit back up again?? I was furious. How dare him!?!? But after the initial shock wore off, a surprising feeling of relief came over me! I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! I did not care in the SLIGHTEST that he still had feelings for me. If anything I just felt sorry for him because I have moved so past this that I can't even see him in the rear view mirror and just seeing me once has him professing his love. Do I really think he loves me still? No...I think him shwasty faced on dark liquor loves the idea of me. But it just blew my mind. Not so much that he said it, but that I couldn't care less. Go me! So of course after that interaction with both of them I made sure to stay in their eye line and dance with the cutest guys there, but I had to get some enjoyment out of it! Call me a bitch. You won't be the only one. But at least I'm a self-fulfilling, happy bitch! You're welcome. Over and out bitches.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Text from an ex, "I'm committed"...

Ah we are again. I am sipping on some very fine wine I got on sale at Total Wine and have been inspired, once again, to enlighten the world wide web of my single woman apiphanies. All of thee are welcome.

So on a split second, bad judgement call wimb, I decide to text my ex-boyfriend...let's call him Bob...just to catch up. Compare notes on our single and equally independent lives. It always makes me feel better to know I have a single ex out there who doesn't have an automatic sherades partner they're occupying their time with. So on nights like tonight, when I need a little pick me up, I grab the ol' telly for a bit of a reminiscing sesh, if you will. I believe I will think twice before deciding to make that call again.

So I text him a witty one liner from Anchorman to get things going and finish with a "PS: this is my last attempt to contact as this is getting pathetic...and I'm running out of witty one liners..." (Back pedal: the last few times we've tried to connect, one or both of us have been preoccupied with friends or work...due to the nature of our relationship, that comment wasn't as pathetic as it looks). A few minutes passes and he says, "Woody, the reason I haven't been able to chat/text with you is because I am comitted..." Comitted? To a mental institution??? That's where this chick he's with needs to be! Ok...sorry, but this man is a serial cheater! He has cheated on every girl he's been with multiple times (once in my case, thank you). And now he's "comitted?" That's fine. Once again, I find myself trying to convince myself that it is for the best that I'm not with a guy from my past. Who knows? Maybe he is still a cheater...maybe my other ex IS still a sociopath...maybe the ex before that IS still a mean drunk. But I can't help to wonder...did I just not wait long enough? Could these guys that I dropped at the peak of their douche baggery really be aiming for a homerun into the hall of fame of awesomeness? I mean, I'm not perfect. I'm sure guys that wouldn't have dated me in my wild days would kick themselves now. But at that time, I WASN'T "bring home to mama" material. Does anyone see where I'm going with this? I'm not saying that every guy I've dated would want to be with me now, but let's just say...for blog's sake...that is the case...maybe if I stuck it out through the peak of their complete tool phases, that they would turn that corner while we were still together and POOF! Prince motha friggin Charming!

But let's be honest...if I think about it...after every one of these relationships...I learned something new about myself. I turned a corner and figured out one or more things I wanted to aim for and to change in my life. This is what has made me the cool as shit chica I've become. That being said, after breaking up with me, these fine specimens (I'm giving tons of credit here) probably turned a corner themselves. They probably realized some things they disliked about themselves and wanted to change about themselves in order to make them more appealing for the next lady that came along and (hopefully) for themselves.

Moral of the story: is inevitable that if you're single and as you get will notice not only friends pairing off, but worse...exes getting into relationships, and worse yet...getting married. And yes, this does have a tiny bit to do with you (me) because we affect everyone we are in relationships with. Once we end a relationship, we start wondering what went wrong and start building ourselves back up to be the desirable person we want others to see us as. But never dwell on "that could be me." Because if it were you, it would be you with the same guy you broke up with back when. It's not until we move on and spend time alone that we start to recognize the need for change.

Wow...shit got deep. I need a cigarette. Over and out bitches.