Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Top 5 Types of Crazy That Land Women in Spinsterville...#2 Stage 5 Clinger (SFC)



We all know women like this. It's like a train wreck. You can't stop it. You can't slow it down. You sure as hell can't change it's course. You know exactly what will happen and you CAN'T TAKE YOUR EYES OFF IT!  It's so sad. It's like these ladies have a tick in their brain that compels them to do the same obnoxious shit over and over again. SFC is a pretty broad term since there's so many forms of SFC...equally depressing. Let's go over a couple shall we?

One form of SFC is a coyote arm Clinger (Google it). This girl could be in your bed after you had a considerably indulgent evening. And the next morning, while you have no intention of dating this girl, in a split second, moment of weakness, rookie move, you give her your number. Not the "go to" random digits to your favorite take out or one of your home boys numbers. Your REAL number. That was your first mistake. Any positive affirmations thrown her way are wildly exaggerated in her brain and the hunt is on...Now ladies... C'mon ladies! Whatever happened to the rules? Don't ask for his number and CERTAINLY don't expect a call after a random hook up. Ok so I do know of a few relationships that have blossomed out of one night stands, but these are the EXCEPTIONS! NOT the rule. Pay attention. While a flirty hook up once in a while is somewhat acceptable if that's your shtick, don't expect for Prince Charming to be on a white horse with a dozen red roses the next morning. 9 times out of 10, that AIN'T HAPPENNIN'! Don't get his number and don't call him. Y'all were an escape for each other. That ride's over. Let it go. Don't go back to the same bar y'all met over and over again expecting to "randomly bump into eachother"...that's creepy. Don't drive by his house several times a day...that's illegal. Moral of this form of clinger story is this: If a guy wants to spend time with you, he WILL get your number and he WILL call. Otherwise, leave it alone. People like you shouldn't have one night stands. It's irresponsible...and scary.

The other type of Stage Five Clinger is the Girlfriend Clinger. Oh boys, I can hear all of your hearts racing now. That HAS to be terrible. In fact I KNOW it's terrible because dudes can be clingers too and there ain't NOTHIN' worse than a clinger gf/bf! But let's concentrate on a lady clinger. Ok...you've definitley been friends or ARE friends with this particular chick. Or for guys (and this is worse for y'all) you have either had a clinger gf or have been friends with a dude with a clinger gf. They are on their men like a Lohan to coke! Constantly asking them if they love them, if they look pretty, what are they doing, where are they going UGH!!! It's SO unattractive!!! Pull your head out of their asses ladies! Their just people! Just dudes! Do they love you? Well if you have to ask then maybe you should re-evaluate your insecurities in this relationship. Do you look pretty? WTF do you think he's gonna say? "No. You look like shit. Buy a comb." They don't like being asked personal questions all the time. Men will open up when they're ready. And don't nag them about their location all the time. Give him some space! Don't you have, like, a ladies night....or a fucking cat lovers meeting to go to? Calm it on down. You HAVE to have something else to do then worry about what your man's doing all the time. Live your life. Let them live theirs. And I promise your relationship will last longer than Whitney Houston's sobriety. And the time y'all spend together will be fun.  Not forced.

In closing, I would like to say, that Clingers are everywhere and there are so many forms of clingers, but these are the two I see most often. And if any of this resembles you, I guarantee you that is 100% why you are single. And if your not, you will be...soon. Just sayin. Over and out bitches!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

The Top 5 Types of Crazy that Land Women in Spinsterville...#1: Picket Fence Crazy (PFC)



Ok...I'll admit it...some of these qualities do apply to me. However, there are many different kinds of crazy...Jebus there could be an entire blog devoted to this one subject! But over the next few entries I will run through the different types of crazies that can land you in Spinsterville. I'll also give my advice on how to modify this behavior so that you might at least get a day pass out of town. Take it or leave it. Just my opinions I've gathered from what I've seen and experienced in my 28 short years. Here goes...


 #1 PICKET FENCE CRAZY 

This is someone who is OBSESSED with finding love. So clouded by the idea of a relationship and marriage and the picket fence, etc. that she is too blind to actually find it. A date with a chick like this could end with her naming y'alls first born. However, before you get all confident (MEN) thinking you can spot these chicks a mile away and avoid them like the plague...it would be irresponsible of me not to clarify that most of these ladies are way sneakier than that. I'd say 95% of these ladies are not going to throw out any red flags that will stop this relationship train before it leaves the station! Sorry fellas, but psycho pants could fly under the radar masking her craziness for quite some time before pulling out the big guns. She could be sexy, cool, totally gf worthy for the first 4 or 5 dates (give or take) and then BOOM! PFC  flies out like a ninja! "Are we going to define the relationship or what?" "We should move in with each other!" "OMG we should TOTALLY adopt a dog together!" You know where I'm going with this. Point being (LADIES), dudes don't like being rushed...nor do they like to feel like they are the last ingredient in a story line you've been building in your head since the days of Ken and Barbie. Go with the flow my sistas! I know it can be hard not to try and seek these things out. I get it. Been there. But you've got to think of a potential suitor as a building block. Just hear me out: you've got to find another building block (the man)  that fits with the existing building block (you) first ...before all the other imaginary building blocks of your dream life. Then once you find that, you can start to add on blocks that fit with the both of you. If you put all the other blocks in place before the man's building block, it will be very hard to find one that will fit! Think about it. Read it again if you have to. Still doesn't make sense? Well it did in my head and I'm really smart. No, but basically, if we ladies have our entire lives mapped out in our heads, it's going to be close to impossible to find the perfect guy to make our imaginary dream life come true. And furthermore, we're going to cut off so many other paths we could have taken. Whether it be a job opportunity, or a fling with an artist that you didn't risk because he couldn't support a family. Adjust your vision to maybe include someone that could possibly enhance your life the way it is NOW! Not someone who could enhance the life your dreaming and pouting and obsessing over. I know it's extremely annoying when people say, "You'll find it when you're not looking for it." I HATE THAT SAYING!!! If you are in your late 20's or older, it's very likely YOU ARE LOOKING FOR IT!!! So now that you're aware of my hatred of that saying, let me just say that I agree with my modification of that saying, "You're more likely to find it when you stop obsessing over it." Yes, you're still gonna get lonely at times and wish you had some companionship, but life goes on. Write about it or have a glass of wine or exercise or whatever it is you do to get your mind off shit, then live your life. The more time you spend crying to your friends or anyone that will listen about the fact you're single, the more time you are wasting that could've been spent having fun and laughing (which by the way is very attractive to guys...just sayin). Be happy with you and content with who you are and if the Universe throws you a bone, great! If not, do you really think the little time you have on this earth is well spent pouting and obsessing over shit you can't control??? Negative ghost rider. Get off that crazy train and live your life bitches!!! Wow...I really got off on a tangent there...you're welcome.

Stay tuned for reason # 2...coming soon!!! I'm out!!