Tuesday, October 8, 2013

On the Online Road Again...Why Did I Go Down This Damn Road Again? Oh yea...FOR YOU!

Yea you saw correctly. After picking the blog up again, I decided I needed some material for my readers. So, I logged back in and threw myself to the creepy wolves all in the name of my avid reader. Screw you...and you're welcome.

So let's start out with suitor #1...let's call him Sleepy (if one of Snow white's dwarves was named deceptive, I'd go with that. But for the sake of accuracy, we'll go with Sleepy...which is also applicable). So Sleepy was younger than what I was looking for, but his profile was witty, he looked cute and I thought, what the hell. So we met in the parking lot of this hip bowling alley/arcade/restaurant/bar downtown and immediately I knew this dude was about to get friend zoned. I try not to judge...I really do. But homeboy had on plaid cargo shorts, he was slightly heavier (by slightly I mean much) and he had one of those motorcycle dude mustaches that look like an upside down U of messy untamed hair starting at his nose...just let that visual sink in for a moment. But I thought to myself, woody, just have fun with it.' So we met at 8 which I would assume meant just drinks so I had already eaten, but this big boy needed some food. So he ordered the messiest chicken salad sandwich which he proceeded to eaten the droppings of with his hands after the bread was gone. I was this close to asking him how much royalties he got from those Geico Caveman commercials. But I was only a couple drinks in so my filter was still in tact. Afterwards, we played a basketball arcade game (I kicked his ass). Then we went to another bar to play pool where I proceeded to kick his ass again...twice. I could tell he was one of those bros that are none too pleased by getting beat by a girl. I could tell because his drinking became more wreckless (shots, liquor, chugging). And you would think that would be enough to make me peace out of this train wreck of a date, but thankfully for y'all, I was having too much fun making him get more and more flustered. So then we go outside, and without any consultation from me, Sleepy proceeds to call his boys to see if they wanna meet up. I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but that ain't cool in my book. However, I was open to a couple of buffers, so I agreed to head to this Mexican place to meet up with his boys. They were actually really cool and pretty cute. I got along with them so well that I even wing womaned them a couple of hot college chicks to sit with us. We had more shots, had some laughs and all the while Sleepy looks like he's getting the spins. Really? If you can't hold your alcohol, you got no business being with me. So anyway, his boys invited all of us, plus the girls, back to their place for a few more drinks. I wouldn't go as the solo girl and put myself in a FSU Dent situation (Google it, ladies). So anyhoo, we get there, we're having a couple of beers when all of a sudden, I look to my right and see Sleepy...well...sleeping/passed out ON THE FLOOR!!! That is when I proceeded to call a cab and walk to the street and called my buddy (Mr. X) as you should always have someone on the phone when in a potentially dangerous place to discourage the bad guys...which is what I told Mr. X right before I started engaging in a deep convo with a homeless man. Seems legit.

So the moral of this story is, guys, pace yourselves especially when on a date for Christ sakes. And ladies, do not stick around for a second bar when there are that many red flags. I am a trained professional and I put myself through this shit for pure entertainment value for my blog. Again...you are welcome...assholes!

Until next time...later bitches!