Thursday, April 26, 2012

You're Welcome

This post may come out of left field, but I have not been blogging about my personal experiences lately and this is going to be a cluster fuck of randomness. So hence the title, "You're Welcome."

So I've been dating a bit. One guy in particular...we'll call him Jay. Sweet guy. Tall. Funny. BEARD! (I a love a the mountain man look!!!!) Dark hair and B-E-A-UTIFUL green eyes! We went on our first date about a month or so ago. Totes didn't feel up to it. Honestly I was a little hungover, jaded, and all around bored with the dating scene. But due to the fact that I was NOT content with turning 29 a spinster, I gave it a go. We were to meet at Triangle Char & Bar in West Ashley. I got there first (awkward). I sat at the bar and just prayed every dude that passed my way was not him. Then finally this tall (thank god) security guard looking guy (but less threatening...more of just a big dude) walked up to me. I'm kind of into big dudes though because let's face it; I'm no Mary Kate Olsen and me and bigger dudes fit. But all of that aside, homeboy was very attractive...I was intrigued. He had a pretty confident vibe about him, but I could tell there was some vulnerability that I could work with behind that ego. Anyway, we've been on several more dates: Comedy club, Bluegrass Festival, more bar crawling....and as much as I like him and want to let things progress, there's this hesitation in my asshole of a brain that makes me want to slam on the brakes every time I get close to a guy that is too perfect for me. Tiny red flags turn into giant warning signs and I blow a small situation into a Category 5 relationship hurricane! For instance: he invited me to go camping with him and his friends this weekend. Fan-fucking-tastic!!! I love camping!!! I was looking forward to meeting his friends and singing and laughing and telling stories into the wee hours of the morning. Well at least that's what camping is to me. So imagine my surprise when this afternoon he tells me that most of his friends backed out and it would just be him and I with one of his guy friends...ok. Might not sound terrible, but definitely not ideal. I mean, I've only known Jay for, like, a month and I have no idea who the fark this other dude is, so why would I want to be stranded on the island with Jay and Gilligan?? I could hate that guy...or he could be a creepster...or who knows??? He could be motha lovin' Ted Bundy??? He didn't see it that way. And I don't blame him. I've been putting him off a bit because of my relationship phobias and so he probably just thinks this is just me putting him off again...but this is for real! I just don't want to hang out with some dude I don't know with the guy I'm that weird?? I don't think so. But who knows...I'm a crazy hoishiminia (yea I made that word up in 5th grade). So I told him we'd hang out tomorrow and he can go on a bromantic camping trip with homeboy on Saturday.

Long story short, I do like the guy. He's sweet. He's honest. He's funny and very likable all around. I don't want to sabotage a good thing because of my idiosycrasies! This blog is open to the public because I need your comments and advice!! Help a single lady out!!!

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Top 5 Types of Crazy that Land Women in Spinsterville...#5: Drama Queen Crazy (DQC)

I know. I can most definitely be a drama queen. Now, am I the craziest of drama queens? Hell to the no. But I can escalate a situation from 0 to 60 in less than a minute and no I'm not proud of it. Neither should any other DQC's out there! This is something I've been trying to improve on for years and I must say that it has enhanced my quality of life tenfold! That being said, I will take you on an educational journey through the different definitions of a drama queen, why boys no likey, and how to purge the drama without losing yourself.

Drama queens are those who take the most insignificant issue and wildly spin it into a catacollismic crisis of massive proportions. They're the ones crying in a restaurant bathroom because their boyfriend is paying more attention to the waitress than to them. Or the one who opens their big mouth disclosing a secret told to them in confidence because they can't resist the temptation of a true life soap opera. Or they take on the feelings and opinions of an acquaintance only so that they are not left on the sidelines of a juicy game of gossip beat down. The thing that all these DQCs have in common is their utter lack of ability to think about anyone other than themselves. It's disgusting really. Why isn't he paying more attention to me? Because he's ordering FOOD and trust don't get in the way of a man and his food. That waitress may as well be Rosie O'Donnell because the only breasts he's thinking about are the ones on his plate. And telling secrets for your own social relevance? Please! I have learned first hand that all this does is make both parties not trust you. Its pathetic really. You're not gaining any credit are meerly the weak link that is broken and no one can respect that. And choosing sides? Are we in 5th grade? Well that is where girls learned this game. Choosing sides, campaigning for followers to make the other side miserable. I know it sounds juvenile but TRUST ME, this shit still goes on well past your forties. I'm obvi not past forty, but I have parents. We talk. All of these things happen on a day to day basis and they will continue to go on as long as our over the top DQCs are still out there!

Now let me have the attention of my you really think that all this energy you're putting forth to make yourself feel better, is being used in the most productive way it could be? If you were to use the energy you spent spinning up drama webs and turn it into something positive, you wouldn't feel the need for constant drama. Your soul would be light and you could spend your time being care free and happy. And honestly, sometimes you need to reevaluate your friends for a drama purging to be successful. I know its hard but I've done it. And I have been honest about it when the relationship doesn't fade organically. You just let them know that if y'all can't go out without inevitably creating drama or if you can't have a conversation without talking negatively about others, etc. then you'll just have to spent some time apart. The rest works itself out.  Don't get me wrong, Drama Queens have their positives...we are creative, outspoken, fun, lively and entertaining. So don't lose all of these great qualities! Just use them for the greater good.

That being said, if you can spin that energy, guys will totally notice your carefree spirit and overall lightness. But if you don't...don't say I never warned ya. Dudes hate drama queens. Do you really think a man's gonna want to hold your purse every time you bow up for girl fights? Or have to listen to you nag about all of the arguments you blew up in your head? NO! So lay off it ladies.

In conclusion...seeing as this is the last of my 5 part series, I would like to thank you for bearing with me and giving me your support through all the crazies. That was not as easy as I thought. But remember...whether you're a PFC, SFC, PGC, PCC or DQC...this is not a lifetime sentence! Life is all about learning and growing. You need to figure out who you are, what you love about yourself and what you'd like to change about yourself. Change can be hard but its also fun and liberating! Be true to you, but if parts of you are whack, send that shit packing...because you're worth it! Muah! Xoxo!!

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Thursday, April 12, 2012

Top 5 Types of Crazy that Land Women in Spinsterville...#4: Princess Complex Crazy (PCC)

Heads up: this post has taken the longest of any others I've ever written, mainly because out of all of the crazies, I am the furthest removed from this one. I may have grown up in a family that rarely wanted for much, but my parents taught me the value of a dollar, the importance of common courtesy and made me work for the things I wanted... So again, this may be one of my weaker posts, but I'll try to get through it. 

You know her. Shit, you've probably known several. Hopefully you aren't one, but if so, listen up sista and fasten your seat belt because Woody's about to stuff a a big ass reality check in your face.

Their dad's probably called them (or still do call them) "Princess." They also bought them whatever they wanted, gave in to every whim, and set them up for complete dating failure. The Princess Complex Crazy (PCC) refers to a girl who is completely devoid of reality and expects for the world to revolve around her. She finds the concept of the word "no" to be very perplexing and is usually baffled when turned down...for anything. She'll hold up lines without any concern for other people's time; after all, this is her world, we're just living in it. She uses men as props she can drag along to functions they have no interest in so that she can brag about her overall perfection. She is pretentious. She is materialistic. And so many guys eat that shit UP! I really don't get it. I don't. But I will say...if you're a PCC and you haven't nabbed up a pussy boy that will cater to your every whim yet, good luck with that.

Most men these days have realized that independent, down-to-earth women who make their own money and can stroke their own egos actually do exist! Most guys don't WANT to put up with a pretentious brat who is only going to use them for material and social gain when they can date someone who is just as comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt as they are in an evening gown. Furthermore, most guys find PCC behavior disgusting if not laughable.

Now...if any of these traits apply to you, listen here...and listen good. STOP!!! Wake up and realize that while reputation is important, social status is not the most important thing in life! Would you like to be married for the rest of your life to a pushover that you don't respect just so that you can gallivant in some waspy, lame country club? Also, relationships are about compromise! If you can't comprehend the concept of other people's time, money and energy, you'll never have a balanced relationship. Honestly, you'll most likely either wind up in a shitty marriage resenting your husband who will probably look for a chic on the side to appreciate him, OR you'll wind up a crazy cat lady with leather skin and a cracked tiara. The choice is yours crazy pants!

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Top 5 Types of Crazy that Land Women in Spinsterville: #3: Party Girl Crazy (PGC)

Ok...for those of you who know me, I know what you're thinking: "Pot, meet Kettle...Kettle, meet Pot." I know this has been a perception some people have had of me before. And honestly, I don't think all party girl's deter relationships! Party Girl Woody circa 1996-2008, yea, total relationship deterrant. But I have learned to balance my party girl ways with my "keeping my shit together" life. I had to grow up. Do I unleash my PG at times? You're goddamn right I do, but I use all of the fun qualities of my PG and apply them responsibly (as much as possible...I ain't perfect) to my everyday life. If you've got a party girl in you, you can wave that flag when appropriate, but you have to have your shit together. If your PG gets in the way of being a contributing, responsible part of society, then you've gone from PG to PGC! Let me make the distiction of how PGC can fuck your dating life up:

GoodNESS! I have seen (and in some ways been) this girl a thousand times! You like to go out and party...why? Because you thrive on the attention from the other sex! Deny, deny, deny but you're only fooling yourself! PGC's are extremely insecure. You gotta get out there in your barely there, hoochie mama outfit, dance on the bar and make sure someone else still finds you attractive. At this point, you either become a tease, a sloot, or a cheater. (Depending on your relationship status). Now before I piss off party girls everywhere, let me reitterate that there is a difference between PG and PGC. But PGC's are all about getting their rocks off on another dude scoping out the merchandise (and getting completely bombed allowing them to forget their debillitating insecurities). C'mon, you've all seen'em. These are the same chicks flashing their tits and dancing on tables. And if they are attached and have made their men stay at home, guess who they're calling at 4am when their hair reeks of vomit and their slutty dress is barely holding in their tits? Their man! Yet when their man wants to go out without them...totally unacceptable. See this is where I want to reign in my PGC's and graduate them to PG's. You can still be a PG without flashing your tits, dancing on tables and losing all motor skills! Don't be that girl ladies! Men don't find this attractive! They just have an involuntary reaction in their trousers which starts making decisions for them and then their pants ask you to come home with them and then they wake up with the brain that's NOT stuck in between 2 balls and want nothing to do with you!Go out when you want to let your hair down and have fun for the sake of having fun! Don't let your attention seeking ways lure you from the couch to the bar just because you had a shitty day and want someone else to inflate your ego! If this IS the case, take a look at yourself and say, " I'm hot. I'm smart (well if you are...otherwise, just say you're hot) and know that you thinking that about yourself is enough. If you're sold on your awesomeness, they will too. If you go out with the sole intention of someone else reinforcing that, your going to work overtime to try and get these results and then you birth a PGC right there on the dancefloor. And the only thing grosser then a PGC being born on a dance floor is a baby at prom. Y'all watch Discovery Channel. PLEASE! How the F#@K don't they know they're pregnant!?! Anyway...moral of the can wave that PG flag high and long as you do it knowing you're partying for yourself and all the party people that don't give a shit about your cup size or your gag reflex. You're welcome.