Tuesday, October 8, 2013

On the Online Road Again...Why Did I Go Down This Damn Road Again? Oh yea...FOR YOU!

Yea you saw correctly. After picking the blog up again, I decided I needed some material for my readers. So, I logged back in and threw myself to the creepy wolves all in the name of my avid reader. Screw you...and you're welcome.

So let's start out with suitor #1...let's call him Sleepy (if one of Snow white's dwarves was named deceptive, I'd go with that. But for the sake of accuracy, we'll go with Sleepy...which is also applicable). So Sleepy was younger than what I was looking for, but his profile was witty, he looked cute and I thought, what the hell. So we met in the parking lot of this hip bowling alley/arcade/restaurant/bar downtown and immediately I knew this dude was about to get friend zoned. I try not to judge...I really do. But homeboy had on plaid cargo shorts, he was slightly heavier (by slightly I mean much) and he had one of those motorcycle dude mustaches that look like an upside down U of messy untamed hair starting at his nose...just let that visual sink in for a moment. But I thought to myself, woody, just have fun with it.' So we met at 8 which I would assume meant just drinks so I had already eaten, but this big boy needed some food. So he ordered the messiest chicken salad sandwich which he proceeded to eaten the droppings of with his hands after the bread was gone. I was this close to asking him how much royalties he got from those Geico Caveman commercials. But I was only a couple drinks in so my filter was still in tact. Afterwards, we played a basketball arcade game (I kicked his ass). Then we went to another bar to play pool where I proceeded to kick his ass again...twice. I could tell he was one of those bros that are none too pleased by getting beat by a girl. I could tell because his drinking became more wreckless (shots, liquor, chugging). And you would think that would be enough to make me peace out of this train wreck of a date, but thankfully for y'all, I was having too much fun making him get more and more flustered. So then we go outside, and without any consultation from me, Sleepy proceeds to call his boys to see if they wanna meet up. I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but that ain't cool in my book. However, I was open to a couple of buffers, so I agreed to head to this Mexican place to meet up with his boys. They were actually really cool and pretty cute. I got along with them so well that I even wing womaned them a couple of hot college chicks to sit with us. We had more shots, had some laughs and all the while Sleepy looks like he's getting the spins. Really? If you can't hold your alcohol, you got no business being with me. So anyway, his boys invited all of us, plus the girls, back to their place for a few more drinks. I wouldn't go as the solo girl and put myself in a FSU Dent situation (Google it, ladies). So anyhoo, we get there, we're having a couple of beers when all of a sudden, I look to my right and see Sleepy...well...sleeping/passed out ON THE FLOOR!!! That is when I proceeded to call a cab and walk to the street and called my buddy (Mr. X) as you should always have someone on the phone when in a potentially dangerous place to discourage the bad guys...which is what I told Mr. X right before I started engaging in a deep convo with a homeless man. Seems legit.

So the moral of this story is, guys, pace yourselves especially when on a date for Christ sakes. And ladies, do not stick around for a second bar when there are that many red flags. I am a trained professional and I put myself through this shit for pure entertainment value for my blog. Again...you are welcome...assholes!

Until next time...later bitches!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I'm Back Bitches!!!

Thought you heard the last of me??? Aw hell no!!! Just been taking a little hiatus. But after running into a cool chick I barely know last night who told me she was an avid fan of my blog and wished I'd start it up again, I thought...shit...why not!?

So...where to start? In the past year or so I've been spending a lot of time on sports blogs. I've actually met up with several of them and even dated one of them. I guess I'll start there. So...we'll call him Z. Z and I met at one of the meet ups that our site frequently has. This one was conveniently in Charleston. Z and a few other people ended up crashing at my place...I know what you're thinking: INTERNET STRANGER DANGER!! I would too if I were you but, it's not like that. Hard to explain,but just trust me. So anyway, Z and I hit it off I guess you could say and started up a long distance relationship. In hindsight, I think I was just really yearning for companionship and possibly I was just justifying hooking up the first night. But regardless, I never had a connection with the dude. I seriously tried to force it and probably strung him along for too long. He did not take the break up news very well. He was a nice, successful dude and a Clemson fan to boot! The keyword is "nice guy".....so NATURALLY I didn't dig him!

In comes unavailable dude! We'll call him X. X is divorced...fresh out of another relationship. We were friends before and had been hanging out a lot. I even met his girlfriend once. We had been doing a lot of innocent flirting and the tension was there, so as soon as he broke up with his chick it was GAME ON. I don't know how I let my feelings get away from me, but I fell for X quick! I mean before we even had "the talk" about where our feelings were at, it was too late. In typical Woody fashion, I saw a dude that wasn't courting me, not giving me any signs of anything beyond friendship besides late night cuddle sessions, and I ripped my heart out, put it on a silver platter and was like "Here dude. I'm a masochist. Do whatcha want to my heart and make it hurt. The harder the better." So anyway, back to the talk. I ask him while we're spooning if he has romantic feelings for me. He flat out TELLS ME NO. This is like 4 months ago. So a smart chick would walk away right? Nah. I'm more romantically challenged than Jessica Simpson in a spelling bee. I get more and more attached. We keep hanging out. I pretend I'm cool with the whole friends with benefits thing, but all the time just praying his feelings for me will change. Word to the wise...YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE'S FEELINGS FOR YOU. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. SO LEARN FROM WOODY AND MOVE ON!!! I mean seriously though...I couldn't make myself have feelings for Z so why should I expect anything different from X? Anyway, we're in the process of trying to figure out how the hell we can try to maintain our friendship, but I'll tell ya what, this is harder than a black man at a Kardashian's house.

So in an attempt to get over x, I tried dating someone else...let's call him Dinkle (for no particular reason). So when trying to get over someone, where is the dumbest place you can look? A bar where X and myself frequent regularly? LET'S DO THAT THEN!!! He was another Z really . I tried to like him. He was fun to hang out with, but homeboy never made a move and by the 3rd time of hanging out, Dinkle was friend zoned. Doesn't help that one night up at the bar with X and Dinkle (surprisingly not as awkward as you'd think) I got a little tipsy (ok I was wasted and fell into some bushes) I accidentally sent a text to Dinkle that was intended for X. And it read...wait for it (can't make this shit up, dude)..."I'm drunk but I don't wanna go home with him" What? Could've been quickly recovered? Yea...anyone but woody would come up with a quick recovery. I proceeded to tell him sorry, that was for X. But I really wanna stay friends.

So that's where I am right now, ladies and gentlemen. I will do my very best to keep the blog updated. Thank you to everyone who reads about my shit show of a life. If you have any questions or suggestions for follow up posts, please do not hesitate to comment below. Later, bitches!