Thursday, March 24, 2016

Yeah Yeah...I'm Still Single...You're Welcome!

Don't act like you didn't miss me. What a strange trip it has been these past few years. I've had my good times and my bad times. My crazy times and my crazier times. I've gone to festivals, changed jobs several times. My brother had a baby. I got a dog. But I am currently in a fairly spectacular place in life. Oddly enough, this clarity comes very soon after a breakup. It was one of those long distance things people warn you about. But I mean, homeboy was my future hubby. No doubts. As soon as he could move down, I wanted him living with me and shopping for the ring. I had all these expectations and thoughts about what it would be like when we lived together. I would come home and cook dinner and we would hang out and watch our favorite shows and then we would wrestle for a while before going to sleep in each other's arms.....

Then I woke up. Jesus Christ. I swear to God I can dish out advice like it's my God Damn job, but when it comes to actually using it for myself, it's like I feel like I'm immune to such things. But man, I tell you what, poor guy never knew what hit him. I'm not going to go into too many details, and trust me, this bro is responsible for his fair share of shit too, but I still respect him. Which is why I'm not going to go into too much detail about the real reasons of our demise, other than it was a recipe for disaster.

Anyway, I'm starting the blog back again. This is just a little heads up post. This time around, it's gonna be a little more raw, little more mature but just as snarky. So stay tuned!


Tuesday, October 8, 2013

On the Online Road Again...Why Did I Go Down This Damn Road Again? Oh yea...FOR YOU!

Yea you saw correctly. After picking the blog up again, I decided I needed some material for my readers. So, I logged back in and threw myself to the creepy wolves all in the name of my avid reader. Screw you...and you're welcome.

So let's start out with suitor #1...let's call him Sleepy (if one of Snow white's dwarves was named deceptive, I'd go with that. But for the sake of accuracy, we'll go with Sleepy...which is also applicable). So Sleepy was younger than what I was looking for, but his profile was witty, he looked cute and I thought, what the hell. So we met in the parking lot of this hip bowling alley/arcade/restaurant/bar downtown and immediately I knew this dude was about to get friend zoned. I try not to judge...I really do. But homeboy had on plaid cargo shorts, he was slightly heavier (by slightly I mean much) and he had one of those motorcycle dude mustaches that look like an upside down U of messy untamed hair starting at his nose...just let that visual sink in for a moment. But I thought to myself, woody, just have fun with it.' So we met at 8 which I would assume meant just drinks so I had already eaten, but this big boy needed some food. So he ordered the messiest chicken salad sandwich which he proceeded to eaten the droppings of with his hands after the bread was gone. I was this close to asking him how much royalties he got from those Geico Caveman commercials. But I was only a couple drinks in so my filter was still in tact. Afterwards, we played a basketball arcade game (I kicked his ass). Then we went to another bar to play pool where I proceeded to kick his ass again...twice. I could tell he was one of those bros that are none too pleased by getting beat by a girl. I could tell because his drinking became more wreckless (shots, liquor, chugging). And you would think that would be enough to make me peace out of this train wreck of a date, but thankfully for y'all, I was having too much fun making him get more and more flustered. So then we go outside, and without any consultation from me, Sleepy proceeds to call his boys to see if they wanna meet up. I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but that ain't cool in my book. However, I was open to a couple of buffers, so I agreed to head to this Mexican place to meet up with his boys. They were actually really cool and pretty cute. I got along with them so well that I even wing womaned them a couple of hot college chicks to sit with us. We had more shots, had some laughs and all the while Sleepy looks like he's getting the spins. Really? If you can't hold your alcohol, you got no business being with me. So anyway, his boys invited all of us, plus the girls, back to their place for a few more drinks. I wouldn't go as the solo girl and put myself in a FSU Dent situation (Google it, ladies). So anyhoo, we get there, we're having a couple of beers when all of a sudden, I look to my right and see Sleepy...well...sleeping/passed out ON THE FLOOR!!! That is when I proceeded to call a cab and walk to the street and called my buddy (Mr. X) as you should always have someone on the phone when in a potentially dangerous place to discourage the bad guys...which is what I told Mr. X right before I started engaging in a deep convo with a homeless man. Seems legit.

So the moral of this story is, guys, pace yourselves especially when on a date for Christ sakes. And ladies, do not stick around for a second bar when there are that many red flags. I am a trained professional and I put myself through this shit for pure entertainment value for my blog. Again...you are welcome...assholes!

Until next time...later bitches!

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I'm Back Bitches!!!

Thought you heard the last of me??? Aw hell no!!! Just been taking a little hiatus. But after running into a cool chick I barely know last night who told me she was an avid fan of my blog and wished I'd start it up again, I thought...shit...why not!?

So...where to start? In the past year or so I've been spending a lot of time on sports blogs. I've actually met up with several of them and even dated one of them. I guess I'll start there. So...we'll call him Z. Z and I met at one of the meet ups that our site frequently has. This one was conveniently in Charleston. Z and a few other people ended up crashing at my place...I know what you're thinking: INTERNET STRANGER DANGER!! I would too if I were you but, it's not like that. Hard to explain,but just trust me. So anyway, Z and I hit it off I guess you could say and started up a long distance relationship. In hindsight, I think I was just really yearning for companionship and possibly I was just justifying hooking up the first night. But regardless, I never had a connection with the dude. I seriously tried to force it and probably strung him along for too long. He did not take the break up news very well. He was a nice, successful dude and a Clemson fan to boot! The keyword is "nice guy".....so NATURALLY I didn't dig him!

In comes unavailable dude! We'll call him X. X is divorced...fresh out of another relationship. We were friends before and had been hanging out a lot. I even met his girlfriend once. We had been doing a lot of innocent flirting and the tension was there, so as soon as he broke up with his chick it was GAME ON. I don't know how I let my feelings get away from me, but I fell for X quick! I mean before we even had "the talk" about where our feelings were at, it was too late. In typical Woody fashion, I saw a dude that wasn't courting me, not giving me any signs of anything beyond friendship besides late night cuddle sessions, and I ripped my heart out, put it on a silver platter and was like "Here dude. I'm a masochist. Do whatcha want to my heart and make it hurt. The harder the better." So anyway, back to the talk. I ask him while we're spooning if he has romantic feelings for me. He flat out TELLS ME NO. This is like 4 months ago. So a smart chick would walk away right? Nah. I'm more romantically challenged than Jessica Simpson in a spelling bee. I get more and more attached. We keep hanging out. I pretend I'm cool with the whole friends with benefits thing, but all the time just praying his feelings for me will change. Word to the wise...YOU CANNOT CHANGE SOMEONE'S FEELINGS FOR YOU. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. SO LEARN FROM WOODY AND MOVE ON!!! I mean seriously though...I couldn't make myself have feelings for Z so why should I expect anything different from X? Anyway, we're in the process of trying to figure out how the hell we can try to maintain our friendship, but I'll tell ya what, this is harder than a black man at a Kardashian's house.

So in an attempt to get over x, I tried dating someone else...let's call him Dinkle (for no particular reason). So when trying to get over someone, where is the dumbest place you can look? A bar where X and myself frequent regularly? LET'S DO THAT THEN!!! He was another Z really . I tried to like him. He was fun to hang out with, but homeboy never made a move and by the 3rd time of hanging out, Dinkle was friend zoned. Doesn't help that one night up at the bar with X and Dinkle (surprisingly not as awkward as you'd think) I got a little tipsy (ok I was wasted and fell into some bushes) I accidentally sent a text to Dinkle that was intended for X. And it read...wait for it (can't make this shit up, dude)..."I'm drunk but I don't wanna go home with him" What? Could've been quickly recovered? Yea...anyone but woody would come up with a quick recovery. I proceeded to tell him sorry, that was for X. But I really wanna stay friends.

So that's where I am right now, ladies and gentlemen. I will do my very best to keep the blog updated. Thank you to everyone who reads about my shit show of a life. If you have any questions or suggestions for follow up posts, please do not hesitate to comment below. Later, bitches!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Woody's Guide to Dating

I know I haven't posted in a while...story of my life. But I've had a lot going on! So please forgive me, pumpkin =)

On to more pressing matters concerning my ladies who are deep in the dating scene and drowning in losers. Trust me, I've dated all types of losers and have found a mostly fool proof way to limit the time you waste on total tools. I call this post, "Woody's Guide to Dating."



First Date:
What you do on the first date is super important. Think about it. Do you really wanna be stuck waiting for your entree to come when you know after your first sip of water that homeboy is not your steelo? My time is precious, bitches. And if I can say one thing about a first date choice, it would be liquid. Always choose to meet for a drink or for a cup of coffee. That way, you can have one drink or one cup of coffee and have a totally legit reason for bouncing up outta there if Romeo's a total Daryl. You following me? Don't commit more time than needed. After reading this post, you will have all the tools you need to spot a douche in the limited time it takes to down a cocktail or a cup of joe.



Dress Code:
Yes ladies...DRESS CODE!! Very important! This can make or break a first date. The first impression he makes on you is uber important, but we'll get to that later. Right now we're focused on you. What you wear could make or break a potential love connection. You obviously want to look good, but you don't want to look like KE$HA either. That's why I've set perameters. I call it the cleave or stems approach to dressing. For those of you who know me, y'all know I am not afraid to show some leg. My legs are my best asset! Why the hell not? But on a date, if you want to show off your foxy gams, cover up the tatas, lovey. Leave a lil' something to the imagination. If you're feeling a sexy mini, rock a crew neck top that hides the girls. If you wanna give him a peek of the twin peeks, throw on some cute jeans or conservative length skirt. Nothing screams, "I'M A SURE THING!" like a hoochie mama, let it all hang out get up. Trust me gals. You'll thank me later.




What His Style Says About Him:
Now please keep in mind that we all have different taste. If you're a Snooki wannabe or a video vixen, just ignore this section and move on to the next clause in my dating guide. No offense intended. Just my opinion and if you're looking for a guy to bring home to mom and you are pretty on par with style trends without being Lady Gaga over-the-top, then you'll probably agree with me. First of all, I have one word for you that will be an immediate reason to pretend that your imaginary dog just committed suicide and you need to start planning the funeral arrangements, and that word is JORTS. They are, without a doubt, the most unacceptable item of clothing a man can ever wear. They scream trailer park and if they think this sad excuse for a pair of shorts are appropriate to wear on a date, what the shit are they wearing when they're not trying to impress? I have two words to answer that question: ED HARDY. Ed Hardy needs to be shot and if you disagree, then you need to be shot too. (Please don't kill Ed Hardy. Thanks). But seriously, embelished clothing is for Toddlers & Tiaras, not for acceptable dating material. The rest of the unacceptable attire goes as follows: jewelry (other than a college or championship ring and a watch), short shorts, tank tops (sorry brother, but unless you're heading to the beach or cutting the grass, you're being fined), backwards hats, tight pants, jean shirts...I'm sure there are more no no's, but those are the biggest offenses.





  Translations for What he Says he Does for a Living:
"I'm actually in between jobs right now." = "I am unemployed and living with my mother."
"I'm self-employed. It's a dull life really...import/export stuff mainly." = "I'm a drug dealer"
"I pick up odd jobs here and there. I like to keep my options open." = "I will never commit to anything. I will mooch off of you if you give me the opportunity and can you give me a ride to my friend's house? He works in the import/export business."
"I'm a musician." = "I have slept with more girls than the amount of times you listened to Adele last year. Oh, and even if you're not a jealous person by nature, after dating me you'll be a total mental case in need of serious psychiatric help."


Red Flags:
Ok, here are some blatant red flags...
1.) Not being able to contain himself from staring at the tatas for an extended period of time. When I say a an "extended period of time," I mean continuing to stare after being caught. We all know that boys will be boys and it is just in their nature to sneek a peek at any chance they get. Totally get it, but if they are caught red handed and still stare, that is their only goal for the night. Copping a feel. End of story.

2.) Constantly texting on the ole cellular device. This is just horrible manners for anyone. We should all know this. If he ignores this rule then he's either A. a total narcisist who thinks he's above rules due to his importance ( the exact type of tool I would like to punch in the neck). OR B. he is keeping score of a game he has fantasy players on and he made a bad call to go out that night. I'm all for sports, but if you're going to check your phone for a score as many times as a schizophrenic checks the windows for the CIA, then you have none of my sympathy, my friend. Learn how to keep a calendar.

3.) He doesn't watch sports. I'm sorry ladies, but I just can't trust a man who doesn't like sports. I need a man's man, so if you're looking for Romeo and poetry, just ignore this part. But sports are a great way to bond on a first date! For instance: if you are like me and know a thing or two about sports (especially college football - Go Clemson!) then no matter who his team is, you can have a friendly debate which usually leads to flirting and that's obviously awesome. OR if you are clueless about sports, you can ask questions (pretend you're interested, Barbies!) and seem genuinely interested in learning more about it. Dudes love when they're teaching a girl something new. I don't know, it's some sort of man of the house macho shit. But it totally works! Sorry, went off track on that one a little bit. But moral is DON'T TRUST A MAN WITHOUT A SPORTS TEAM!

  



Well that is my guide for now. Hope it helped a wee bit. At the very least, I hope you got a couple of pointers. If you have anything to add, don't be afraid to post a comment! Over and out bitches!!!



Monday, July 30, 2012

Growing Out of Girl Code and into Lady Code (Part One)

So...since I am on season 3 of "How I Met Your Mother" on Netflix, I can say that (hopefully) my writer's block/days of disappointing posts are over. I am on episode 17, "The Goat" that has been focussed on "The Bro Code." I always hear the term, "Bro Code," but very seldom hear the term, "Girl Code" anymore. I know it exists, ie: always hold your girl's hair back when she's bowing to the porcelin god, or don't date your friend's ex, but when you get past your highschool/college days, do the rules change? I mean, on "How I Met Your Mother" these guys/gals are late twenties/early thirties, but I've only heard discussion of the bro code. I tried researching girl code online, but I've just found video vixen wannabes talking about "never let your girl leave the house without a pedicure" or "don't be a hater." Really? C'mon. These are not realistic "rules" for girl code when it comes to girls who are older than 21. So I decided to piece together my thoughts on a code for grown up girls fittingly entitled, "Lady Code."

Click the book for Barney Stinson's "Bro Code"



Lady Code #1: Emergency Time Management



If your friend has a shitty day, make sure to do all that is in your power to make her happy. Now at this age, we've got a lot going on. Networking events, dates, plans in general, etc. #2 will touch on that. But hold your horses bitches; we're still on #1. Do what you can. If it's an immediate need, she most likely really just needs to vent. If she's crying and you have HUGE, CAN'T DELAY plans; listen intently while getting ready and offer the most sound advice possible. If you have serious plans that can totes be delayed:  IMMEDIATELY put her on speakerphone while actively listening. Then text your "I have a plan with you" person and tell them you will be 20-30 minutes late, then give your gal what she needs...whether it be listening, advice giving, ego pumping, etc. If you have no plans; YOU GET YOUR ASS IN THE CAR, OVER TO THE STORE, BEN & JERRY'S + WINE AND SHOW UP THERE, LIKE, YESTERDAY!!! That is code. Do not waver.

Lady Code #2: Be Reasonable



If you're having a really shitty day and you call your friend, don't expect for her to drop everything and show up at your door. At this age (as I said before) we have obligations. Sometimes, you have to understand that once in a while, you will have a time in your life that you will go through something with minimal outside support. If you're going through something huge, you let your friend(s) know and they will be there for you...but not at the drop of a hat. Face it. We're getting old and if we don't acquire adequate coping skills, we'll drown. Just be sensible about your friend(s) time. If you have a friend out there that will literally drop everything, anytime, chances are she needs you more than you need her. So get a therapist and give your friends a break. Be reasonable.

Lady Code #3: Don't Be a Judgy Wudgy Bear



Ladies do things they're not proud of. I'm not talking to anyone in specific, but chances are you're not perfect and you have wavered from your morals a time or two. What I'm trying to say is, everyone makes mistakes and/or does things they're not necessarily proud of. If your friend is one of these people and she is entrusting you with this truth, then the LAST thing she needs is judgement. It's hard enough living in a world where if a man bangs a chick and never sees her again, he's a pimp and if a girl does the same (vice versa) she's a whore; but to have your close friends judge you this way is just wrong. Now this is just an example. This could be about the fact that you're having an affair with a married man, or you kissed another friend's brother, or you threw a co-worker under the bus... you get the picture! Chances are, if you're a good person, you wouldn't be able to keep these things inside because it would kill you. So imagine your friend telling you this. Do not even flash a single hint of judgement their way. Good people do bad things sometimes and the way you tell the good people from the shitty ones is that the shitty ones don't feel bad enough to need to get it off their chest. Obviously, if the words are coming out of their mouth, they feel bad. So be a good friend. You don't need to condone it. Just try to understand why they did or are doing it and listen to them. Don't be a judgy wudgy bear. People totally hate that. Not cool maestro.

Lady Code #4: Don't Outshine a Friend



This has actually happened to me. I was going out with a guy for a couple of weeks and decided it was time for him to meet my best friend. (Disclaimer: this was my toxic bff at the time who only brought out the worst in me and we have not seen each other in years). But we ended up meeting up at a bar (one that both of us happened to bar tend at the time) and he was smitten...with her. However, if I was a dude and was introduced to someone who had on as little clothing as she did, my penis would think for me immediately as well. Long story short, he was no longer my date and she was no longer my friend. What a bitch. Yea. So if your friend loves you and respects you enough to introduce you to a guy she sees potential with, button up. I'm not saying you have to join a fucking convent. I'm just saying that you want to get in the friend zone with homeboy immediately and that is IMPOSSIBLE when you're wearing a goddamn miracle bra and a mini dress from Wet Seal!!! We know what we're doing ladies. Don't be a bitch. Don't outshine a friend.

Lady Code #5: Don't Reveal a Secret Told to You in Confidence by a Friend



Ya' just don't do it. I really don't need to elaborate on this too much. There are very few exceptions to this rule and very few excuses. Telling a secret that was told to you in confidence is ok for minimal reasons that only include life or death, eminant danger, or your best friend's dude just told you he cheated on her... that's about it. I mean, if you can think of more reasons, be my guest. There IS a comment section. It's all yours. But I really have nothing else to say on the matter.



Ok. Well I feel a multiple part post coming on. A: because I'm getting tired and would like to use my hands for finishing my glass of wine instead of typing. And B: revert back to A. So, to be continued...

Over and out bitches!!


My Girls! AKA the "Sista Wives"


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

LET LIFE HAPPEN...LOVE YOUR SINGLE LIFE!

Greetings bitches! Well I have gotten into lots of shannanigans the past 11 days!! It kicked off on Thursday 6/28 when I went to my mom's house for dinner and was surprised by 15-20 of my closest girl friends for my birthday. And I partied all weekend for my birthday including Monday (my actual birthday) and Tuesday (birthday dinner at dad's) until I left for Seattle on Wednesday for my college buddy's wedding. So needless to say, I partied the whole time I was there. So yea, my liver apologizes for not allowing me to write in a while. 


                                       

But all this birthday chaos and wedding hoopla got me thinking. Even after seeing all the happily married/engaged couples...I realized I like my single life. I really do. And I don't think I'm at a place that even if I was in a relationship, I could really settle ALL THE WAY down (ie: marriage, moving in, etc.) I would get bored and complacent and want to pull my hair out (or theirs). My life is the shit right now...well at least I think so. I can come and go as I please, I can leave dishes in the sink and clothes on the floor until I have company over, I can watch whatever the hell I want, I can spend my money on whatever the hell I please and I don't have to share my bed! Companionship? Who needs it? If I want to spend time with a dude or need something to be fixed, I have plenty of guy friends for that. And any other needs I can take care of with my B.O.B. (look it up) or an occasional booty call...I know I talk about this all the time, but the "tick tock" feeling of despair over being single at age 30 is a thing of the past! Do I want to have kids one day? Maybe. Do I want to wear that white dress and walk down the aisle? Sure. But what we late 20's and older single ladies don't realize is that there is so much fun and happiness to take advantage of NOW while we have no one else to answer to like a husband/boyfriend or kid! We waste so much time on online dating and bar scouring and dating douche bags when we could be living our fabulous lives and letting life happen to us, not the other way around. Think about how much stress could be avoided if you simply STOP WORRYING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Even when you are dating someone...stop picturing yourself walking down the aisle or having kids with him. Let life happen to you. I am on official day 1 of "letting life happen to me." I will not waste another single minute wondering about my future dating life. I will not waste one more second looking at dating sites or scouring a crowd for a potential suitor. I am JUST GOING TO LET LIFE HAPPEN. I will keep you posted on how that works out. 

Over and out BITCHES!

       




Wednesday, June 27, 2012

BREAKUP DON'TS!!!

Breakup...

Sorry to invoke that inevitable physical reaction that the very word alone invokes in all of us. But it happens. In the rare case that you are someone whom has never experienced this awful, terrifying situation, kiss my ass. Oh and stop reading this because I want to strangle you. Thanks. Moving on...there are so many different kinds of breakups: the breakupper, the breakuppee, the cheater, the one cheated on, the abuser, the abusee, the list goes on. Regardless of your role in the breakup, the stomach flipping anxiety is present in all of us. Whether it's caused by guilt or betrayal or denial, we all have to deal with it one way or another. In this post, I would like to tell you my golden rules of what NOT to do after a breakup. You can thank me later.


1. DON'T OBSESS!

Whatever you do, do not obsess...over any of it! Don't obsess about what the other person is doing, who he/she is seeing, underlying reasons for the breakup, where that person is hanging out, etc. I know that in the past, I have gone through a breakup and immediately started facebook stalking. Who is that girl he's with? Is that his rebound? Was he seeing her before we broke up? What does she have that I don't? Jesus, I sound pathetic. So in an attempt to save you from embodying these pathetic characteristics, stop!

2. DON'T OVERANALYZE!

It's over. Move on. You don't need to analyze every part of the relationship and wonder what you could've done differently. This is somewhat of an extension of number 1. If you continue to engulf your thoughts with him/her, and why it didn't work, then you're not making the necessary steps to improve yourself and become whole again. His fault, her fault, it doesn't matter! It's over. I can't say this enough...move on!


3. DON'T STALK!

Facebook stalking is one thing, but actual stalking is illegal...and dangerous to your reputation (don't act like that's not important. C'mon, we fought our parents about the insignificance of reputation in high school...we're adults now...and that shit's important). You don't want to be viewed as the guy or girl that shows up places that the ex is at just to shamelessly throw yourselves at them, or worse, causes a scene to get their attention. Pathetic is not a strong enough word to describe this behavior. All the time you're spending trying to randomly show up at their local hang outs, is time you're missing out on mending yourself and healing your wounds. Take care of number one home slice.



4. DON'T OVERINDULGE!

I mean that in every sense of the word. Bypass the ice cream aisle, opt for the glass of wine, not the whole magnum bottle. You catch the drift. These things may make you feel better in the short term, but in the long run, you'll turn into an obese alcoholic. And no one likes a fat ass with a drinking problem. That shit's just straight up unattractive. (Yes, you can call me a hypocrite because that picture to the left was taken by me...at my house...after a breakup. I knew it would come in handy one day).



5. DON'T REBOUND!

This is hard. I know, I know...when we're down and out, it's easy to want to feel that connection with someone else...anyone else. But a one night stand ain't gonna heal your aching heart (cue Billy Cyrus). You will wake up the next morning and feel like shit. Shame, guilt, disgust...all of these are unfortunate feelings and why subject yourself to such avoidable feelings? Just say no to the random hookup. Now I'm not saying that hooking up is always a terrible idea, but if you're doing it to escape the hole your ex left in your heart, then it's a good chance that a hook up would only make that hole bigger due to the sharp edges that shame and regret tend to use in order to carve bigger slices into your already wounded heart. No bueno my friends.

Now...all that being said...you should know that these are very hard things to avoid after a breakup. And I'm not saying I always avoid all of these don'ts. Some of these things are damn near impossible to avoid. But really try to pick yourself up and look forward, not back. Breakups suck and you feel like shit after and all you want to do is distract yourself of the reality of the pain. But the pain you feel after a breakup is temporary. Hard to believe but true. The way you deal with a breakup, if dealt with the wrong way, can have lasting consequences. Do yourself a favor and don't be a dumb ass. Get your shit together...see a therapist if you have to. Just don't dick yourself over. You've got to put yourself first. Be a little selfish. Indulge yourself in something that makes you organically happy. Over and out bitches!

PS: Please check out my girl Atiya Townes blog "Remaking Me." Her writing is entertaining, comical and very refreshing. Told you I'd get you back girl! Xoxo!
RemakingMe-AtiyaTownes.Blogspot.com