Monday, January 30, 2012

Ex Boyfriend at a Wedding Show...yea

Good Monday all! I have had one helluva day. Besides the fact that I just found out I have to pay thousands of dollars to fix my car, I owe even more money in taxes and I just spent hundreds on boots (prior to knowledge of money owed); my work phone has been ringing off the the hook with wedding room inquiries.  For those of you that don't know, I'm a sales manager (amongst other things) at a popular hotel chain. And I went to the Charleston Wedding Show a couple of Sundays ago to represent our management company. It was kind of fun actually. The gal who came with me (another sales manager within our company) is a pretty cool chick.  And one of our Regional Managers was there too, but he's good people. Moving on...we had a kick ass display, we were meeting tons of bride and momzillas to be, and killing it! All of a sudden, I scan the crowd and see one of my exes walking in the crowd in the general vacinity towards our booth. He was with a girl who I can safely assume was his fiance. They were at a wedding show afterall. My chest tightened. How is this guy getting married?? Really?? I did break up with him. But that was because he was a sociopath, had no drivers license due to 2 previous DUIs and was a line cook at a bar...needless to say I broke up with him... via text message. I know I know...that's horrible! But I hate confrontation and don't worry...I got what karma intended because of that: Seeing him at a wedding show...with his fiance. Anyway, so I scooted out to "use the rest room." When I got back I told my co-worker that I totes just dodged a bullet. I told her the situation and naturally she asked, "what's his name?" Jesus Christ...really? I could not for the life of me remember his name! Granted it was a couple years ago and we only dated a few months, but is that terrible? When you've been single for the greater part of the last 5 years and your open to dating, it's safe to say you'll rack up some short lived romances yes? Is it sad to say I can't remember all of their names? Is it even sadder that I'm actually bummed out that this mystery named man is getting married even though I broke up with him? I don't know. I just find it to be interesting that a single line chef with no car is considered a catch while an outspoken sales professional is considered tragic. Am I better off single...to find a guy deserving of me to settle down with? I'd like to think so. But it doesn't mask the emotions involved in seeing an ex with his fiance. Just sayin....over and out.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Whyyyyyyyyyyy????



So I found a decent guy on this crazy dating site. Cute. TALL! Witty. He does unfortunately live about an hour and a half away (of course) but not an alien. We've been texting back and forth and I was feeling giddy for the first time in a while. I will go as far as to say I was/am crushing on this dude a bit. Very surprising seeing as the other guys I've come in contact through this site are either vertically challenged, have strange fetishes or are just fucking nuts. Anyway, I had to figure out a way to inevitably fuck it up right? Don't worry. I'm really good at this part. So last night I went to my step-grandmother's birthday party at the old folks home. The only way I was getting through that shmooze fest was to consume copious amounts of vino. Which I did. Upon my return back to my house, I started texting my new crush. We texted about our family, Stephen Colbert, you know...the usual. Then my evil twin (who hates me) came out and started texting. Whaaat a bitch. "I'm thinking about calling you, Mr. xxxxxxxx. What do you think about that?" Really? I've known that this guy has existed for, like, a minute and I think the best time to talk on the phone is after drinking an entire bottle of wine? I am such a winner. Anyway...he responded perfectly with a witty one liner about how that was a negative ghost rider...obvious red flag for me to take it easy. It's all so clear to me NOW...but then...I thought, no. I should annoy the shit out of this guy until I'm really on his shit list: "I'm starting to think that maybe you sound like Peewee Herman." Way to stroke the ego Woody. Silence. Fast forward 10 minutes. Me again: "You asleep?" Him: "Yup. Watching the Daily Show" Me: "Your asleep but watching the Daily Show? That's commitment." (I can see how I was trying to be witty with that one, but being witty was doing me no favors at this point.) There were a couple more awkward exchanges before I finally retired the phone, but it wasn't good. I just don't know when to stop! I'm not going to pretend like this guy and me are soul mates or anything...but it's just funny how I shit on something that has potential and totally show up to work for a relationship that's going to emotionally kick my ass! Now here's the kicker...homeboy is my facebook friend and will most likely read this as he has read my other posts. What can I say? I'm ballsy...and I'm just a silly girl. I am who I am take it or leave it :) On another note, if you're reading this, and you dig it, please write a commentt or subscribe or follow or whatever. I will appreciate you for that fo sho! Alright, going to call it a night. Over and out bitches!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Really maestro?



Well...I left my computer at work, so blogging from a phone has its challenges. Here goes...so several months back I met my first online dude in person. He was in the air force. Thank you army, military, combat people...you're awesome! Just never wanted to date you. Nor have I ever been particularly attracted to you...just sayin. Anyway so he invites me for a drink at the Charleston Place bar. Swanky...not really my style. I don't really know why I went...biological clock maybe? Jesus is that thing fucked up and completely inaccurate! Anyway, one of the first things he asks me is, "Do you own a ball gown?" Hmmm...is this serious? What am I? Fuckin Cinderella? Yea champ...I got one in my purse and it poofs out when you put it in hot water ...wow. Anyway, long story short, homeboy wanted me to go to a military ball and all the other girls he asked...yes you saw correctly...ALL THE OTHER GIRLS HE ASKED...didn't have one. Well this date was really going places. I named our first born while restraining myself from strangling him. So he asked me to go to another bar with him which I respectfully declined and all of a sudden I get this alter ego, "you don't like me do you. Oh god. You just hate me. Aw man. What can I do to make it up to you???" "Go back in a time machine and totally stop you parents from reproducing!" Ok I didn't say that. But after him whining the whole way back to my car, I wanted to! When I finally saw my car...I ran to it. Locked the doors. And prayed he didn't slash my tires. Creepster!! Don't stick around after someone asks if you own a ball gown. You might be chopped into little pieces. Just a little bit of advice from me to you. You're welcome.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Totally underwhelmed, Einstein...



So...I somewhat recently went out on a date with the kind of guy I like to call the "know it all." Or in other words, "good luck getting a word in edge wise" dude. Met him on the oh so reputable free dating site, "OK Cupid." Seemed like a good guy (don't they all from the confines of a computer screen). His profile mentioned his love of math which was only a slight red flag...aren't all guys good at math? Whatever. Anyway, all of his pictures showed him playing rugby and oh so seemingly manly. So imagine my surprise when I show up to my neighborhood pizza joint to meet papa Smurf?? I'm not picky on looks...I'm really not. But I've got one stipulation I like to stand by...and I would like it to be 6ft +. I mean, I'm 6'2 in 3/4 of the shoes I own. But honestly...was totally willing to look past that obvious breech in profile honesty. That was...until he began his endless moaning about how he was 20 times smarter than all of the individuals that have gotten the jobs he applied for. I don't know about you, but when I hire someone, my immediate response is not to email the candidate I DIDN'T pick, the IQ test results of the individual I ended up hiring. But that's just me. Anyway, needless to say, anything this man knows about me, has not a single thing to do with probing questions from him. It has to do with me hijacking the conversation when possible to say, " Oh I love football, my parents went to Clem..." that's about as far as I could get before inevitably being cut off by his entirely more intriguing conversation about math. Well...I was pissed. I bought a new dress, new tan booties, spent  several minutes on my makeup and many phone calls to girlfriends for pep talks. I should have just studied up on the movie "A Beautiful Mind" and start quoting math equations. What a douche. But just when I thought it couldn't get worse...BAM...the bill. And being the nice southern lady my mom raised me to be, I offered to split the bill. His response? "Yea. I got my half." Well thank you fake rugby Papa Smurf math man!!! I hope you choke on the leftovers you took from both of our meals. Lesson learned...don't believe everything you read on a dating website profile.

Totally aware of why I'm single...



Yes. I am 100% aware of why I'm single. I hate rules. It's as simple as those 3 words. All of these rules exist that ladies should wait for the guy to contact them, or to make the first move... If I want to talk to a guy, I reserve the right to text him witty one liners while mildly intoxicated until he texts back. Or to leave a voice mail with random chatter about a conversation I completely contrived in order for him to hear until he calls back to tell me I "butt dialled" him and left the funniest message. Or to ask a guy for his number...so that he will undoubtedly be "butt dialled" or drunk texted. We are supposed to be a mystery. I get it. I get it because these same mysterious qualities are what make a guy intriguing to me too. And the guys that say "I'm sick of games" and lay it all out there, immediately turn me off. We all just like the chase. And if you're easy prey...siyenara! I'm bored...round 2. So why...when I know all these things...can't I apply them to my life and my dating world? I don't know...impatience I guess. I like immediate results. Results, that is, with a guy who can play on the thin line between "too much" and "just enough." I guess this blog is just to help me figure out how to play that same line. The more I'm writing, the more I'm enlightening to myself. I'm one of those single gals that give great relationship advice. I guess I'm pretty oxymoronic, but I've been a walking contradiction pretty much my whole life so I'm used to it. I'm one of those ladies that reads cliche girl power quotes and says to herself, "that's what I'm talkin' about!" then turns around and makes a joke at the writer's expense. I don't know. I think I don't want to be single anymore...but why? Is it because I feel like I'm at the age where I should be settling down? Is it because all 3 sides of my refirigerator is covered in wedding and baby shower invitations...or because children no longer repulse me? I really don't know...but I better figure this shit out before I wake up as one of those ladies I feel sorry for wearing lowrider jeans, a belly shirt and some serious leather skin issues at the bar. So...here in lies the trials and tribulations of my single life. Here goes...