Wednesday, June 27, 2012

BREAKUP DON'TS!!!

Breakup...

Sorry to invoke that inevitable physical reaction that the very word alone invokes in all of us. But it happens. In the rare case that you are someone whom has never experienced this awful, terrifying situation, kiss my ass. Oh and stop reading this because I want to strangle you. Thanks. Moving on...there are so many different kinds of breakups: the breakupper, the breakuppee, the cheater, the one cheated on, the abuser, the abusee, the list goes on. Regardless of your role in the breakup, the stomach flipping anxiety is present in all of us. Whether it's caused by guilt or betrayal or denial, we all have to deal with it one way or another. In this post, I would like to tell you my golden rules of what NOT to do after a breakup. You can thank me later.


1. DON'T OBSESS!

Whatever you do, do not obsess...over any of it! Don't obsess about what the other person is doing, who he/she is seeing, underlying reasons for the breakup, where that person is hanging out, etc. I know that in the past, I have gone through a breakup and immediately started facebook stalking. Who is that girl he's with? Is that his rebound? Was he seeing her before we broke up? What does she have that I don't? Jesus, I sound pathetic. So in an attempt to save you from embodying these pathetic characteristics, stop!

2. DON'T OVERANALYZE!

It's over. Move on. You don't need to analyze every part of the relationship and wonder what you could've done differently. This is somewhat of an extension of number 1. If you continue to engulf your thoughts with him/her, and why it didn't work, then you're not making the necessary steps to improve yourself and become whole again. His fault, her fault, it doesn't matter! It's over. I can't say this enough...move on!


3. DON'T STALK!

Facebook stalking is one thing, but actual stalking is illegal...and dangerous to your reputation (don't act like that's not important. C'mon, we fought our parents about the insignificance of reputation in high school...we're adults now...and that shit's important). You don't want to be viewed as the guy or girl that shows up places that the ex is at just to shamelessly throw yourselves at them, or worse, causes a scene to get their attention. Pathetic is not a strong enough word to describe this behavior. All the time you're spending trying to randomly show up at their local hang outs, is time you're missing out on mending yourself and healing your wounds. Take care of number one home slice.



4. DON'T OVERINDULGE!

I mean that in every sense of the word. Bypass the ice cream aisle, opt for the glass of wine, not the whole magnum bottle. You catch the drift. These things may make you feel better in the short term, but in the long run, you'll turn into an obese alcoholic. And no one likes a fat ass with a drinking problem. That shit's just straight up unattractive. (Yes, you can call me a hypocrite because that picture to the left was taken by me...at my house...after a breakup. I knew it would come in handy one day).



5. DON'T REBOUND!

This is hard. I know, I know...when we're down and out, it's easy to want to feel that connection with someone else...anyone else. But a one night stand ain't gonna heal your aching heart (cue Billy Cyrus). You will wake up the next morning and feel like shit. Shame, guilt, disgust...all of these are unfortunate feelings and why subject yourself to such avoidable feelings? Just say no to the random hookup. Now I'm not saying that hooking up is always a terrible idea, but if you're doing it to escape the hole your ex left in your heart, then it's a good chance that a hook up would only make that hole bigger due to the sharp edges that shame and regret tend to use in order to carve bigger slices into your already wounded heart. No bueno my friends.

Now...all that being said...you should know that these are very hard things to avoid after a breakup. And I'm not saying I always avoid all of these don'ts. Some of these things are damn near impossible to avoid. But really try to pick yourself up and look forward, not back. Breakups suck and you feel like shit after and all you want to do is distract yourself of the reality of the pain. But the pain you feel after a breakup is temporary. Hard to believe but true. The way you deal with a breakup, if dealt with the wrong way, can have lasting consequences. Do yourself a favor and don't be a dumb ass. Get your shit together...see a therapist if you have to. Just don't dick yourself over. You've got to put yourself first. Be a little selfish. Indulge yourself in something that makes you organically happy. Over and out bitches!

PS: Please check out my girl Atiya Townes blog "Remaking Me." Her writing is entertaining, comical and very refreshing. Told you I'd get you back girl! Xoxo!
RemakingMe-AtiyaTownes.Blogspot.com

Thursday, June 7, 2012

ABRA CADABRA!!!



I'm sorry it's been so damn long...again. The truth is, I don't have a damn thing to write about. It's not so much writer's block as it is dater's block. The difference being I choose not to date, and writer's block is involuntary. I'm just over it right now. I'm sick of going on dates with guys that are an inevitable disappointment due to my unrealistic standards and honestly I just enjoy the freedom of going where I please when I please and hogging my bed and watching bad tv without answering to anyone else. This is why I probed my friend about something I could write about based on his experiences. I love getting dudes opinions and stories from their own life experiences. The male in question will remain anonymous, but he is a dear friend who is happily married. We'll call him "Taylor."

So Taylor and I were hanging out at a local bar the other evening and I asked him to tell me a story. I randomly ask this of my friends all the time and I normally get the same responses: "Once upon a time, there was a crazy girl named Haywood..." or "I got nothin'..." However, this particular night, Taylor was in storytelling mode. He started telling me a story about when he was single in college. Apparently Taylor wasn't always such a perfect gent. So at one point in time, Taylor was seeing (and when I say "seeing" of course I mean "seeing naked") this girl who was dating an acquaintance of his. They weren't close per say, but the acquaintance (we'll call him "Bob") was close with a lot of Taylor's good buddies. So Taylor would meet up with this chick (let's call her Tiffany) behind Bob's back, and bump uglies so to speak.

One night, after Taylor was "over-served" at a neighborhood watering hole, he decided it was a good idea to buy Tiffany flowers and go to her house for a late night booty call. So Taylor goes up to her house, flowers in hand, and knocks on Tiffany's bedroom window. It was dark, so when the blinds were pulled open, Taylor couldn't see in, but repeatedly told who he assumed was Tiffany to go to the front door to let him in. Blinds close. Front door opens. Taylor walks to the door and to his surprise, Bob is standing in the doorway, bewildered.

"Hey Bob! I was just bringing your girlfriend's roommate some flowers. She home?" Quick recovery by Taylor. I'm impressed. She wasn't home, so Taylor left the flowers at her door. Awkward.

Crisis averted right? ....WRONG. So shortly thereafter, Tiffany apparently has a nagging conscience that compels her to spill the beans to ol' Bob. She also informs him that all of his buddies that Taylor is also friends with knew as well. So what does Bob do? Leaves a, let's just say, "memorable" message on the answering maching of the house that said buddies occupied. Something along the lines of, "You mother f*&%$*# pieces of sh*# I will f#@$ y'all up next time I see y'all! How the f*#@ could y'all not tell me my girl was running around on me with that guy!" etc., etc.

Well, homeboys receive the message (an actual answering machine from a house line...yes those still existed then) in the wee hours of the morning and are 17 sheets to the wind. Naturally, their reaction is to grab house hold appliances (hammer, bat, wrench, spatula, ya' know...the norm) and bum rush Bob's house as only drunk frat boys would do.  When excessive banging didn't wield success, they resorted to breaking and entering. Once they made their violent yet fashionable entrance, homeboy was nowhere to be found. I believe Taylor informed me that they eventually found him hiding under his bed. Poor guy.

That is as far as it went. However, hearing this story made me realize something. There are dudes that do stupid shit and that's not news to me. But what is news to me is this story coming from this particular fellow. He is like the epitome of the perfect husband. He even finds his wife's clumsy nuances "endearing" and "cute" even. If someone who did ridiculously immature and thoughtless things in his life, can turn around and transform into being husband of the year, maybe I have a chance to turn around from being "notoriously single and relationship phobia" Woody, into "I'm ready to settle down and overlook ridiculous expectations" Woody...well...here's hoping.

Over and out bitches!