Thursday, June 7, 2012

ABRA CADABRA!!!



I'm sorry it's been so damn long...again. The truth is, I don't have a damn thing to write about. It's not so much writer's block as it is dater's block. The difference being I choose not to date, and writer's block is involuntary. I'm just over it right now. I'm sick of going on dates with guys that are an inevitable disappointment due to my unrealistic standards and honestly I just enjoy the freedom of going where I please when I please and hogging my bed and watching bad tv without answering to anyone else. This is why I probed my friend about something I could write about based on his experiences. I love getting dudes opinions and stories from their own life experiences. The male in question will remain anonymous, but he is a dear friend who is happily married. We'll call him "Taylor."

So Taylor and I were hanging out at a local bar the other evening and I asked him to tell me a story. I randomly ask this of my friends all the time and I normally get the same responses: "Once upon a time, there was a crazy girl named Haywood..." or "I got nothin'..." However, this particular night, Taylor was in storytelling mode. He started telling me a story about when he was single in college. Apparently Taylor wasn't always such a perfect gent. So at one point in time, Taylor was seeing (and when I say "seeing" of course I mean "seeing naked") this girl who was dating an acquaintance of his. They weren't close per say, but the acquaintance (we'll call him "Bob") was close with a lot of Taylor's good buddies. So Taylor would meet up with this chick (let's call her Tiffany) behind Bob's back, and bump uglies so to speak.

One night, after Taylor was "over-served" at a neighborhood watering hole, he decided it was a good idea to buy Tiffany flowers and go to her house for a late night booty call. So Taylor goes up to her house, flowers in hand, and knocks on Tiffany's bedroom window. It was dark, so when the blinds were pulled open, Taylor couldn't see in, but repeatedly told who he assumed was Tiffany to go to the front door to let him in. Blinds close. Front door opens. Taylor walks to the door and to his surprise, Bob is standing in the doorway, bewildered.

"Hey Bob! I was just bringing your girlfriend's roommate some flowers. She home?" Quick recovery by Taylor. I'm impressed. She wasn't home, so Taylor left the flowers at her door. Awkward.

Crisis averted right? ....WRONG. So shortly thereafter, Tiffany apparently has a nagging conscience that compels her to spill the beans to ol' Bob. She also informs him that all of his buddies that Taylor is also friends with knew as well. So what does Bob do? Leaves a, let's just say, "memorable" message on the answering maching of the house that said buddies occupied. Something along the lines of, "You mother f*&%$*# pieces of sh*# I will f#@$ y'all up next time I see y'all! How the f*#@ could y'all not tell me my girl was running around on me with that guy!" etc., etc.

Well, homeboys receive the message (an actual answering machine from a house line...yes those still existed then) in the wee hours of the morning and are 17 sheets to the wind. Naturally, their reaction is to grab house hold appliances (hammer, bat, wrench, spatula, ya' know...the norm) and bum rush Bob's house as only drunk frat boys would do.  When excessive banging didn't wield success, they resorted to breaking and entering. Once they made their violent yet fashionable entrance, homeboy was nowhere to be found. I believe Taylor informed me that they eventually found him hiding under his bed. Poor guy.

That is as far as it went. However, hearing this story made me realize something. There are dudes that do stupid shit and that's not news to me. But what is news to me is this story coming from this particular fellow. He is like the epitome of the perfect husband. He even finds his wife's clumsy nuances "endearing" and "cute" even. If someone who did ridiculously immature and thoughtless things in his life, can turn around and transform into being husband of the year, maybe I have a chance to turn around from being "notoriously single and relationship phobia" Woody, into "I'm ready to settle down and overlook ridiculous expectations" Woody...well...here's hoping.

Over and out bitches!

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