Friday, September 7, 2012

Woody's Guide to Dating

I know I haven't posted in a while...story of my life. But I've had a lot going on! So please forgive me, pumpkin =)

On to more pressing matters concerning my ladies who are deep in the dating scene and drowning in losers. Trust me, I've dated all types of losers and have found a mostly fool proof way to limit the time you waste on total tools. I call this post, "Woody's Guide to Dating."

First Date:
What you do on the first date is super important. Think about it. Do you really wanna be stuck waiting for your entree to come when you know after your first sip of water that homeboy is not your steelo? My time is precious, bitches. And if I can say one thing about a first date choice, it would be liquid. Always choose to meet for a drink or for a cup of coffee. That way, you can have one drink or one cup of coffee and have a totally legit reason for bouncing up outta there if Romeo's a total Daryl. You following me? Don't commit more time than needed. After reading this post, you will have all the tools you need to spot a douche in the limited time it takes to down a cocktail or a cup of joe.

Dress Code:
Yes ladies...DRESS CODE!! Very important! This can make or break a first date. The first impression he makes on you is uber important, but we'll get to that later. Right now we're focused on you. What you wear could make or break a potential love connection. You obviously want to look good, but you don't want to look like KE$HA either. That's why I've set perameters. I call it the cleave or stems approach to dressing. For those of you who know me, y'all know I am not afraid to show some leg. My legs are my best asset! Why the hell not? But on a date, if you want to show off your foxy gams, cover up the tatas, lovey. Leave a lil' something to the imagination. If you're feeling a sexy mini, rock a crew neck top that hides the girls. If you wanna give him a peek of the twin peeks, throw on some cute jeans or conservative length skirt. Nothing screams, "I'M A SURE THING!" like a hoochie mama, let it all hang out get up. Trust me gals. You'll thank me later.

What His Style Says About Him:
Now please keep in mind that we all have different taste. If you're a Snooki wannabe or a video vixen, just ignore this section and move on to the next clause in my dating guide. No offense intended. Just my opinion and if you're looking for a guy to bring home to mom and you are pretty on par with style trends without being Lady Gaga over-the-top, then you'll probably agree with me. First of all, I have one word for you that will be an immediate reason to pretend that your imaginary dog just committed suicide and you need to start planning the funeral arrangements, and that word is JORTS. They are, without a doubt, the most unacceptable item of clothing a man can ever wear. They scream trailer park and if they think this sad excuse for a pair of shorts are appropriate to wear on a date, what the shit are they wearing when they're not trying to impress? I have two words to answer that question: ED HARDY. Ed Hardy needs to be shot and if you disagree, then you need to be shot too. (Please don't kill Ed Hardy. Thanks). But seriously, embelished clothing is for Toddlers & Tiaras, not for acceptable dating material. The rest of the unacceptable attire goes as follows: jewelry (other than a college or championship ring and a watch), short shorts, tank tops (sorry brother, but unless you're heading to the beach or cutting the grass, you're being fined), backwards hats, tight pants, jean shirts...I'm sure there are more no no's, but those are the biggest offenses.

  Translations for What he Says he Does for a Living:
"I'm actually in between jobs right now." = "I am unemployed and living with my mother."
"I'm self-employed. It's a dull life really...import/export stuff mainly." = "I'm a drug dealer"
"I pick up odd jobs here and there. I like to keep my options open." = "I will never commit to anything. I will mooch off of you if you give me the opportunity and can you give me a ride to my friend's house? He works in the import/export business."
"I'm a musician." = "I have slept with more girls than the amount of times you listened to Adele last year. Oh, and even if you're not a jealous person by nature, after dating me you'll be a total mental case in need of serious psychiatric help."

Red Flags:
Ok, here are some blatant red flags...
1.) Not being able to contain himself from staring at the tatas for an extended period of time. When I say a an "extended period of time," I mean continuing to stare after being caught. We all know that boys will be boys and it is just in their nature to sneek a peek at any chance they get. Totally get it, but if they are caught red handed and still stare, that is their only goal for the night. Copping a feel. End of story.

2.) Constantly texting on the ole cellular device. This is just horrible manners for anyone. We should all know this. If he ignores this rule then he's either A. a total narcisist who thinks he's above rules due to his importance ( the exact type of tool I would like to punch in the neck). OR B. he is keeping score of a game he has fantasy players on and he made a bad call to go out that night. I'm all for sports, but if you're going to check your phone for a score as many times as a schizophrenic checks the windows for the CIA, then you have none of my sympathy, my friend. Learn how to keep a calendar.

3.) He doesn't watch sports. I'm sorry ladies, but I just can't trust a man who doesn't like sports. I need a man's man, so if you're looking for Romeo and poetry, just ignore this part. But sports are a great way to bond on a first date! For instance: if you are like me and know a thing or two about sports (especially college football - Go Clemson!) then no matter who his team is, you can have a friendly debate which usually leads to flirting and that's obviously awesome. OR if you are clueless about sports, you can ask questions (pretend you're interested, Barbies!) and seem genuinely interested in learning more about it. Dudes love when they're teaching a girl something new. I don't know, it's some sort of man of the house macho shit. But it totally works! Sorry, went off track on that one a little bit. But moral is DON'T TRUST A MAN WITHOUT A SPORTS TEAM!


Well that is my guide for now. Hope it helped a wee bit. At the very least, I hope you got a couple of pointers. If you have anything to add, don't be afraid to post a comment! Over and out bitches!!!

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